Barb Nangle

Free Internal Safety Resource Pack

Stay connected to yourself when emotions run high.

I've put together a free Internal Safety Resource Pack with my favorite podcast episodes, articles, and worksheets to help you go deeper. It's designed for people who are beginning to realize that knowing what boundaries are isn't the same as feeling safe enough to hold them.

Get a curated collection of practical worksheets, podcast episodes, and articles to help you trust yourself, feel steadier under pressure, and stop overriding what you already know.

It's everything you need to start building internal safety so you can stop second-guessing yourself and stay connected to who you are, even in difficult moments.

Click here to get the free resource pack.

Boundary Guilt: Learning to Stay With Yourself

Most people think the goal is to stop feeling guilty when they set boundaries. But that’s not actually the goal.

The real goal is learning how to stay with yourself when guilt shows up.

That’s a very different thing.

One of the most important things I’ve heard in the last couple of years came from a therapist who said:

“The guilt we feel when setting boundaries is proportional to how much we abandon ourselves.”

That helped me understand the mechanism underneath boundary guilt. If you want to stop feeling so guilty when you set boundaries, the deeper work is learning how to stop abandoning yourself.

Because what most of us do when guilt shows up is treat it like an instruction.

We assume:

• I’ve done something wrong.
• I’m being selfish.
• I’m a bad person.
• If someone is upset with me, that means I shouldn’t follow through.

But guilt is a feeling, not a command. Someone being upset with you does not automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.

The Best Way to Reduce Boundary Guilt Over Time

The best way I know to reduce guilt over time is to stop abandoning yourself in your decision-making. One of the most important ways I help clients do that is by having them identify their top five values.

Not just the values themselves, but:

• what those values mean to them,
• why they matter, and
• how they define them personally.

We then use those values as guideposts and guardrails when making decisions and setting boundaries.

Why?

Because it’s so much easier to stand firm in a decision when it’s connected to something that genuinely matters to you.

Your values are not random. Your particular bundle of values bubbled up from your inner being for a reason. You’re far more likely to follow through on boundaries that are aligned with your authentic self than boundaries you think you “should” set because someone on the internet told you to.

There’s a quote by Rumi that I love:

“Let yourself be silently pulled by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

I think of boundaries the same way. Allow yourself to be guided by the strange pull of what you truly value. It will not lead you astray.

Living in alignment with your values creates integrity with yourself. And integrity matters here because integrity is another word for wholeness.

Who doesn’t want to feel whole?

The more aligned you are with yourself, the less guilt tends to show up in the first place.

What to Do When the Guilt Does Show Up

Even when you’re deeply aligned with your values, guilt may still arise. So what do you do then?

Most people abandon themselves the moment guilt appears. They stop focusing on what they want, need, or prefer and immediately shift their attention to the other person.

They think:

• They’re upset.
• They’re disappointed.
• They’re uncomfortable.
• I must have done something wrong.

But other people’s upset is not an instruction for you to override yourself. You are responsible for managing your feelings, your choices, and your life. Other people are responsible for theirs.

That doesn’t mean we want people to be upset. Of course we don’t. But if you’ve spent decades accommodating someone, over-giving to them, rescuing them, or making their life easier, they may absolutely feel upset when you stop doing that.

That makes sense.

But you’re not taking something away from them. You’re simply stopping the abandonment of yourself.

Another Way We Abandon Ourselves

Sometimes we don’t focus on the other person at all. Sometimes we abandon ourselves internally.

Our nervous system gets activated, and instead of slowing down and paying attention to what’s happening inside us, we override ourselves and push forward anyway. We disconnect from what’s happening internally.

But your nervous system contains important information.

So instead of overriding it, ask:

“What would actually help me feel safe right now?”

For me, that often starts with my body. I put my hand on my chest, slow down my breathing, deepen my breath, and catch my breath. That physical gesture helps communicate safety to my nervous system.

Sometimes I focus on the rise and fall of my chest and/or the rhythm of my heartbeat because it forces me into the present moment. And when you’re truly in the present moment, you’re much less focused on other people and much more connected to yourself.

I also use grounding reminders such as:

• Discomfort does not mean danger.
• Someone being upset with me does not mean I’ve done something wrong.
• This is not mine to manage.
• I’m not a bad person.

I repeat these things to myself over and over because they help me stay anchored to myself instead of abandoning myself.

Internal Safety Is the Real Goal

This is what building internal safety looks like.

Internal safety is the growing belief that:

• I can rely on myself.
• I can handle uncomfortable feelings.
• Emotional activation is not an emergency.
• Guilt does not mean I’m bad.
• I don’t have to abandon myself just because discomfort is present.

You don’t build healthy boundaries by eliminating discomfort.

You build healthy boundaries by learning how to stay with yourself while discomfort is there.

You're Not Selfish. You're Learning Not to Abandon Yourself.

One of the biggest fears people have when they begin setting boundaries is this:

"What if I become selfish?"

They worry that if they stop over-giving, over-functioning, people-pleasing, and putting everyone else first, they'll somehow become cold, uncaring, or self-centered.

But in my experience, selfishness usually isn't the real issue.

The real issue is self-abandonment.

People who chronically over-give are usually incredibly thoughtful, caring, and conscientious. The problem is that they often direct all of that care outward while neglecting themselves. They care so much about other people's feelings, approval, comfort, and opinions that they consistently override themselves in the process.

They say things like:

• "I don't want people to think I'm selfish."
• "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings."
• "I don't want people to think I'm a bad person."

So they keep saying yes when they want to say no. They put far more effort into someone else's life than the other person is putting into their own. They go above and beyond the call of duty, often to the point of exhaustion, resentment, or burnout.

And underneath all of that is usually the same thing: a search for safety.

Over-Giving Is Often About Seeking Safety

What's going on underneath over-giving is that many of us learned to believe our safety depended on people, places, and things outside of ourselves.

For me, the belief looked something like this:

"I need you to be okay for me to be okay, and I especially need you to be okay with me."

So I over-gave.

I people-pleased.

I accommodated.

I rescued.

I over-functioned.

Not because I was consciously trying to manipulate people, but because, on a very deep level, I believed keeping people happy would help me feel safe.

The problem is that you cannot create internal safety from external sources.

You can't get lasting internal peace by managing other people's emotions, earning approval, or constantly proving your worth through helpfulness. No matter how much you give, it will never create the kind of safety you're actually looking for.

That's because real safety comes from your relationship with yourself. It comes from staying with yourself. It comes from knowing:

• what your values are,
• what your priorities are,
• what's okay and not okay with you, and
• what you are no longer willing to tolerate or sacrifice in order to gain approval.

The Real Issue Isn't Generosity

One of the things that shifted dramatically for me over time was realizing there's a huge difference between generosity and over-giving.

Healthy generosity comes from choice.

Over-giving comes from fear.

Before recovery and healthy boundaries, I thought of myself as a "volunteer-aholic." I volunteered for somewhere around 15 nonprofit organizations over the years because I felt compelled to help whenever someone needed something.

Today, I actually donate more time to community service than I did back then. But there's a major difference. Now:

• I do it by choice rather than compulsion or some sense of obligation.
• I do it strategically rather than at the drop of a hat.
• And I do it after filling my own cup first.

I've heard it said that we want to pour from the overflow rather than trying to pour from an empty cup. That's exactly right. And the only way to have an overflowing cup is for me to fill my cup first. I can't depend on others to do that for me.

Many people have internalized the belief that taking care of themselves is selfish. But constantly going outside yourself does not create safety, peace, or healthy relationships. In fact, it often creates resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection from yourself.

Staying With Yourself Creates Internal Safety

The real work is learning how to stay connected to yourself even when someone else might be disappointed, upset, or disapproving.

That means:

• not violating your own values,
• not abandoning your priorities,
• not saying yes when something isn't okay with you, and
• not putting more effort into someone else's life than they're willing to put into their own.

I often tell clients that if I'm helping someone, they need to do at least 50% of the work.

Why?

Because over-functioning for other people is usually another form of self-abandonment.

Many people are so externally focused that they care far more about what other people think of them than what they think of themselves. That was certainly true for me for most of my life. The core shift that changed everything for me was this:

I came to care more about what I think of me than what other people think of me.

Of course, that doesn't mean I don't care at all what other people think. Of course I do! But I no longer care so much that I'm willing to violate my integrity in order to gain approval.

I used to:

• say yes to things I didn't want to do,
• pretend things were okay with me when they weren't,
• ignore my own feelings, and
• people-please in ways that were actually manipulative.

People-pleasing often looks generous on the surface, but underneath, it can be an attempt to control how other people feel about us. I'm no longer willing to do that. If I need to violate my values to get someone to like me, I'm not doing it, because that's self-abandonment.

I once heard someone say, "It's fine to seek other people's approval as long as you have your own approval first." That distinction really changed things for me.

I still want your approval, but I don't depend on it the way I used to.

You Get to Be Included Too

One of the things I hear from clients all the time is: "But I don't want to hurt people's feelings by setting boundaries."

I understand that fear deeply. But here's something important to consider:

You get to be included among the people whose feelings you don't want to hurt.

Think about it this way. Let's say there are 10 people you need to set boundaries with, but you avoid doing it because you don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or disappointed. Every time you stay silent, override yourself, or say yes when you really want to say no, you hurt your own feelings.

In this case, you'd be hurting your own feelings 10 times over.

Instead, if you actually set boundaries with those 10 people, perhaps three of those people might be disappointed or get their feelings hurt. The result is three separate people getting their feelings hurt once, instead of one person getting their feelings hurt 10 times.

There's also a difference between hurting someone and harming someone. It might hurt to use a needle to remove a splinter from your finger, but the needle isn't harming you. It's helping heal you. In the same way, setting a boundary may hurt someone's feelings, but that doesn't mean you're harming them.

In fact, boundaries often improve relationships. Why? Because when you start telling people the truth about what's okay and not okay with you, they finally get to know the real you. That creates the possibility for authentic communication, genuine intimacy, and honest relationships.

Peacekeeping is not intimacy. Truth creates intimacy.

You're Probably Never Going to Become Selfish

If you've spent years over-giving, over-functioning, and worrying excessively about other people's needs, you're probably not at risk of becoming selfish. You simply don't have it in your constitution.

The real risk is continuing to abandon yourself while convincing yourself it's kindness.

I used to believe I over-gave because I was especially nice, generous, and helpful. It was deeply uncomfortable to realize that much of my behavior was actually driven by approval-seeking.

I wanted people to think I was a good person. A generous person. A helpful person.

I did not want them to think I was a bad person. And to me, a bad person was someone who said "no" and was unhelpful.

I now know that's not true.

And while I genuinely was generous and caring, I can now see that I was often more invested in being perceived as helpful than I was in actually being helpful.

Today, that's changed.

Now I'm much more interested in genuinely helping people than I am in earning approval through helping.

That shift happened because I no longer rely on external approval to create safety inside myself. I have internal safety now because I stay with myself.

Meaning:

I honor my values.

I tell the truth.

I respect my limits.

I have my own back.

I don't cave on my boundaries so you'll approve of me.

And from that place, generosity becomes something entirely different.

Not fear.

Not compulsion.

Not self-abandonment.

Just choice.