Karmin Reeves Reeves Jenkins

Did you know that while overall divorce rates in the United States have declined over recent decades, a significant percentage of people aged 50 and older are increasingly experiencing divorce?

Between 1990 and 2010, the divorce rate for this age group doubled. Today, one in four individuals who gets divorced is over 50 (Brown & Lin, 2012).

I recently watched an October 2025 Oprah Winfrey podcast titled “The Gray Divorce Trend.” I was shocked by the reported increase in divorce among people in their silver years.

For example, since 1990, the divorce rate for those over 50 has doubled, and for those over 65, it has tripled. In my own experience, this was unheard of. Even though many marriages around me were far from exemplary, most couples stayed together.

Whether for better or worse, staying was a choice. However, divorce creates ambiguity in family boundaries. It disrupts family systems, prompting questions about who is “in” or “out,” and creating identity confusion for both children and adults—ultimately affecting trust and relationships.

In 2019, I nearly became one of these statistics. My youthful view of family and marriage had been jaded, yet I still hoped for a healthy family built on lasting love and generational wealth. After 32 years of marriage, at 58 years old, my spouse and I separated—a gradual emotional unraveling that still felt sudden. We endured many challenges and sought counseling, but we could not resolve the essential components of a healthy, positive, communicative, trusting, and partnership-driven relationship. We live separately today.

Although we accomplished much together, we lost far more emotionally and spiritually. It still feels surreal that we did not make it, even though we wanted the same things. Our approaches, values, and non-negotiables differed—perhaps too much.

It is said that time heals all wounds, yet some scars—especially those on the soul—do not fully heal and remain invisible.

I had to stop dwelling on what was lost and intentionally reconstruct my life, accepting this unexpected and traumatic turn of events. Our two children were not untouched; some damage control and difficult conversations were necessary to address the consequences of our shared choices.

Separation or divorce impacts every aspect of a child’s life, regardless of age. As a child of parents who never married and who struggled with ongoing conflict, that experience profoundly shaped me. If I were a Ph.D. student, I would research the pursuit of lasting love and the intrinsic struggles rooted in early childhood trauma.

I love Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem “Children Learn What They Live.” It reminds us that our early experiences shape how we form, sustain, and sometimes fight for relationships.

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

— Dorothy Law Nolte

As adults, understanding ourselves—our needs, desires, values, and communication styles—is essential before entering meaningful relationships.

The self encompasses identity, beliefs, and values, all shaped by social interactions, self-awareness, and life experiences.

Too often, we seek others to complete or validate us without first doing the necessary work of self-understanding and healing. This can lead to unbalanced—and sometimes emotionally unsafe—relationships. If we took the time to release old regrets, guilt, or fear, we would be able to create healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Although not all reasons behind separation or divorce are clear, research, personal stories, and professional resources offer valuable insights. My biggest lesson: self-care must include pre-relationship work. Neuroscience shows that we can retrain our minds and grow emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually.

Many marital challenges could be avoided through deep self-reflection and personal development. When long-term relationships dissolve, the consequences are profound—akin to a kind of death—and they require rebuilding from the inside out. Grieving, coping, triaging, and eventual recovery are all part of the journey forward for both partners and their children.

I still believe in “till death do us part,” and I believe that moving forward—after loss, heartbreak, or transition—can be done with grace, grind, and grit.

www.ih4al.com 

References

• Brown, S. L., & Lin, I.-F. (2012). The gray divorce revolution: Rising divorce among middle-aged and older adults, 1990–2010. Journal of Gerontology: Psychological and Social Sciences, 76(6), 731–741.
• Divorce & Beyond: The Advice You Need, From the Voice You Can Trust (Susan Guthrie, Family Law Attorney).
• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone (Lori Gottlieb).