Are We Collaborating or Competing?

Why women’s empowerment cannot thrive in spaces where comparison quietly masquerades as support.

Bernadette Reed

Program Director

Urban Pathways

Women are often taught to celebrate each other publicly while measuring each other privately.

We know the language well. Sisterhood. Empowerment. Collaboration. Community. Support. "There is room for all of us." We post it. We speak it. We hashtag it. We put it on panels, flyers, conference stages, mission statements, and even platforms like LinkedIn.

But in real life, in boardrooms, workplaces, nonprofits, businesses, creative spaces, and even friendships, the energy does not always match the language. Sometimes what is called collaboration is really comparison with a smile. Sometimes what is called support is really surveillance. Sometimes what is called healthy competition is really insecurity dressed in professional clothes. And sometimes the woman sitting beside you is not trying to build with you. She is trying to measure how close you are to what she wants.

That is the conversation we do not have enough. Not because women are naturally competitive with one another, but because many of us have been socialized inside systems that taught us there was only room for one.

• One woman at the top.
• One woman in leadership.
• One woman chosen.
• One woman praised.
• One woman trusted.
• One woman considered brilliant, polished, powerful, or ready.

So when another woman enters the room with gifts, confidence, strategy, creativity, and favor, it can trigger something unspoken. Not always hate. Not always jealousy. Sometimes it is fear.

• Fear that her shine will expose your insecurities.
• Fear that her growth will make your stagnation visible.
• Fear that her access means your opportunity is disappearing.
• Fear that if she is seen, you will be overlooked.

That fear is where competition begins.

Not the kind of competition that makes us sharper, better, and more disciplined. The other kind. The quiet kind.

• The kind that does not clap too loudly.
• The kind that withholds information.
• The kind that offers help only after the opportunity has passed.
• The kind that studies another woman's moves while pretending not to notice.
• The kind that turns every compliment she receives into a personal threat.
• The kind that says "I'm proud of you" while secretly hoping she slows down.

That kind of competition is dangerous because it often hides behind professionalism, concern, advice, or silence. It rarely says, "I am intimidated by you." Instead, it says:

• She thinks she's all that.
• She's moving too fast.
• She's doing too much.
• She's always trying to be seen.
• She only got that because of who she knows.
• She's not ready.
• She's changing.
• She's different now.

But sometimes "she's different now" really means she stopped shrinking. Sometimes "she's doing too much" means she is finally doing what you were too afraid to do. Sometimes "she thinks she's all that" means she knows who she is, and that makes people uncomfortable.

Collaboration requires emotional maturity.

This is where we have to be honest. Collaboration requires emotional maturity. It requires the ability to sit next to another powerful woman without needing to reduce her. It requires the discipline to admire without comparing. It requires the confidence to share space without fighting for invisible rank. It requires the self-awareness to ask, Am I supporting her, or am I secretly competing with her?

Because the truth is, collaboration is not just working together. Collaboration is how you hold another woman's success in your spirit.

• Do you celebrate it without making it about you?
• Do you share resources without needing credit?
• Do you open doors without fearing she may walk through them better than you did?
• Do you give feedback to sharpen her, or to humble her?
• Do you mention her name in rooms where opportunity lives?
• Do you clap when nobody is watching?
• Do you tell her what you know, or do you make her struggle through what you already learned?

That is where collaboration becomes real.

Real collaboration does not require women to be the same. We do not have to have the same style, the same strategy, the same personality, the same lane, or the same leadership approach. Collaboration is not sameness. It is alignment.

• It says, Your gifts do not threaten mine.
• It says, We can both be excellent.
• It says, I do not need to dim you to define myself.
• It says, If I have access, I can share it.
• It says, If I know something, I can teach it.
• It says, If your name comes up, I can speak well of you without feeling like I disappeared.

That kind of collaboration is powerful because it interrupts a pattern many women inherited.

We do not have to become scarcity.

For generations, women have had to fight for proximity to power. For women of color, especially Black women, that fight has carried even more weight. We have often had to be twice as good, twice as prepared, twice as composed, and twice as forgiving just to be considered. So when the system only leaves a narrow opening, we can begin to treat each other like obstacles instead of allies.

But we have to name the trap. The system may create scarcity. But we do not have to become scarcity. We do not have to reproduce the same harm that limited us. We do not have to become gatekeepers just because we once stood outside the gate. We do not have to make another woman earn kindness, access, or respect the hard way just because nobody made it easy for us.

That "I had to struggle, so you should struggle too" mindset is not leadership. It is unresolved pain with a job title. And we need to stop calling that wisdom.

A healed woman does not need to hoard opportunity. A secure woman does not need to compete with every woman who shines. A real leader does not feel threatened by someone else's capacity. In fact, real leaders build rooms where other women can become more powerful, not less.

Competition is not always toxic.

That does not mean we ignore competition completely. Competition is not always toxic. There is a kind of competition that can be healthy. It can inspire discipline, creativity, preparation, and excellence. Sometimes seeing another woman win reminds you of what is possible. Sometimes it pushes you to stop making excuses and get your own act together. That kind of competition is not the problem.

The problem begins when inspiration turns into resentment. When admiration turns into monitoring. When motivation turns into sabotage. When you no longer want to grow because of her example, you want to beat her so you can feel safe. That is not ambition. That is insecurity. And insecurity will make collaboration impossible.

This is why self-awareness matters.

Before we accuse someone else of competing with us, we should also examine ourselves.

• Where do I feel threatened?
• Where do I compare?
• Where do I withhold?
• Where do I secretly want to be chosen?
• Where do I need validation so badly that another woman's recognition feels like rejection?

These are not easy questions. But they are necessary. Because a woman who does not know her own insecurity can easily confuse another woman's confidence with arrogance. She can confuse another woman's visibility with attention-seeking. She can confuse another woman's boundaries with betrayal. She can confuse another woman's growth with competition. And that is how relationships, teams, movements, and opportunities fall apart.

We cannot build together if we are secretly keeping score. We cannot build together if every win becomes a threat. We cannot build together if we only support women who are less advanced, less visible, less confident, or less powerful than us. That is not empowerment. That is hierarchy.

Some women only like sisterhood when they get to be the mentor, the savior, the most experienced, the most admired, or the one with the answers. But true collaboration requires being able to stand beside a woman who may be just as gifted as you, or even more gifted in certain areas, and not feel the need to compete for dominance. It requires saying, You are strong there, and I am strong here. Let's build.

That is grown woman work. That is leadership work. That is legacy work. And legacy is bigger than ego.

Influential women do not just collect platforms.

If we are serious about influence, we have to stop treating influence like a personal spotlight and start treating it like a shared responsibility. Influential women do not just collect platforms. They use them. They amplify. They sponsor. They mentor. They connect. They recommend. They protect. They tell the truth. They make room.

And making room does not mean stepping out of your power. It means standing fully in it while allowing another woman to stand fully in hers.

There is a difference between wanting excellence and needing superiority.

• Excellence says, I want to be my best. Superiority says, I need to be better than you to feel worthy.
• Excellence builds. Superiority compares.
• Excellence collaborates. Superiority competes.

And the difference is felt, even when it is never spoken.

Subtle does not mean harmless.

Women know when the energy shifts. We know when support becomes forced. We know when someone is clapping with tight hands. We know when information is being rationed. We know when our name is being discussed differently in rooms we are not in. We know when someone smiles in our face but studies our downfall in private.

And yet, many of us second-guess ourselves because the behavior is subtle. But subtle does not mean harmless. A culture of quiet competition can poison an entire environment. It can make talented women shrink. It can make rising women question themselves. It can create distrust where there should be partnership. It can turn potential allies into guarded strangers. It can keep organizations, movements, and communities from reaching their full power.

Are we collaborating or competing?

So the question remains: Are we collaborating or competing? Not in what we say. In what we do.

• Are we sharing knowledge?
• Are we opening doors?
• Are we giving honest feedback without cruelty?
• Are we celebrating wins without comparison?
• Are we building tables, or fighting over chairs?
• Are we helping other women rise, or only supporting them when they stay beneath us?

Because collaboration is not proven by the picture we take together. It is proven by what happens after the picture is posted. It is proven in the private recommendation. The forwarded opportunity. The honest conversation. The shared resource. The defended reputation. The invitation into the room. The refusal to let insecurity make us small.

At some point, every influential woman has to decide what kind of woman she wants to be.

• The woman who needs to be the only one, or the woman secure enough to build with others.
• The woman who hoards access, or the woman who multiplies it.
• The woman who watches another woman rise with suspicion, or the woman who says, Go higher. I'll meet you there.

Because a woman who knows who she is does not need to compete with every woman who knows who she is too. And when women stop competing for the illusion of limited space, we start creating rooms big enough for all of us to rise. That is not just collaboration. That is power.