If They Wanted To, They Would
Actions speak louder than words: why you should stop making excuses for people who don't prioritize you.
“If they wanted to, they would” is usually advice we give about dating.
If they wanted to call, they would. If they wanted to see you, they would make plans. If they wanted a relationship, you probably would not need a group chat, three screenshots, and a forensic analysis of their last text to figure it out.
And before anyone feels personally attacked, I am including myself here. I have absolutely earned my degree in overanalyzing conversations, replaying interactions, and asking for a second, third, and occasionally seventeenth opinion on what someone “really meant.”
Unfortunately, after all that analysis, the answer is usually sitting right in front of us.
We are incredibly talented at finding explanations for people.
They are busy. They are scared. They have been hurt before. They are bad at communicating. The timing is wrong. They “aren’t ready.”
Maybe.
But if you need a 45-minute debrief with your best friend to determine whether someone actually wants you in their life, I fear the debrief itself may be part of the answer.
And I think the same principle applies far beyond dating.
Think about the job interview that seemed perfect. The interviewer tells you how impressed they are. They say your experience is exactly what they are looking for. The conversation runs over because you are getting along so well. Maybe they even hit you with the corporate classic: “We’ll be in touch soon.”
Then, silence.
Suddenly, you are checking your inbox like the offer letter might appear if you refresh aggressively enough.
Or maybe it is the manager who repeatedly tells you that you are doing amazing work and that they can absolutely see you moving into a bigger role. Months go by, though, and somehow the opportunities never follow.
Or the friend who says, “We NEED to get together soon!” every three months.
At some point, “soon” needs to make it onto a calendar.
We have to stop giving words more weight than actions.
Because people make time for what matters to them.
Someone who wants to see you finds a way to see you. Someone who wants to be with you makes their intentions clear. Friends who value the friendship put effort into maintaining it. Companies find a way to hire the candidates they really want. Managers advocate for the people they are serious about developing.
Maybe it is not always convenient. Maybe it requires effort. Maybe the timing is not perfect.
That is kind of the point.
Wanting something is easy when it requires nothing from you. What matters is what happens when wanting it requires action.
And yet, we can spend an impressive amount of energy explaining away the lack of it.
“They’re just really busy.”
“He’s just not a big texter.”
“She has a lot going on right now.”
“My manager said next quarter.”
“The recruiter said they loved me.”
At some point, we become unpaid publicists for other people’s intentions.
We take what they said they wanted to do and build an entire case for why they have not actually done it. We focus on potential instead of patterns. We tell ourselves to wait a little longer, give them another chance, work a little harder, or prove our value one more time.
But if someone wants you in their life, you should not have to campaign for the position. And you should not have to become a different version of yourself just to qualify for a role in someone else’s life.
If someone wants to be with you, eventually their actions make that clear.
If a friend wants to see you, eventually there is a plan.
If a company wants to hire you, eventually there is an offer.
If a manager wants to develop you, eventually there is an opportunity.
There is something freeing about no longer trying to convince people and places to choose you.
If someone gives you mixed signals, sis... I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this... they ain't the one.
If a friendship only exists because you maintain it, stop carrying the entire relationship.
If a company passes on you, keep applying.
If an organization keeps promising an opportunity that never materializes, start looking for one somewhere else.
Not because you are angry. Not because they are terrible people. Simply because you have limited time and energy, and continuing to invest both into someone else’s potential intentions is a terrible return on investment.
Especially when there are people, relationships, friendships, and opportunities that will not require nearly as much interpretation.
Words tell you what someone wants you to believe.
Actions tell you what they actually prioritize.
Believe the actions.
Because “if they wanted to, they would” does not need an asterisk, a paragraph of exceptions, or a committee meeting to interpret it.
If they wanted to, they would.
And if they didn’t?
Go find someone who would.
