I'm Sorry I Said I was Sorry!
How Saying "I'm Sorry" Too Often Can Undermine Your Confidence and Professional Presence
Last year, my manager pointed out that I apologize too much.
"Too much?" What does that even mean?
Because he's someone I trust and respect, I listened. He said it's fine to apologize when it's warranted, but not every situation—or even every mistake—requires an apology.
Me, internally: I'm sorry, what?
So I did some tracking. I often say, "I'm sorry," instead of "Excuse me" when I don't hear someone correctly the first time. I say, "I'm sorry," when I'm trying to move past someone who's blocking my way. And I say, "I'm sorry," when I'm presenting content to my team and trip over my own words.
In a single day, the words I'm sorry left my lips more than two dozen times.
My manager was right.
I was apologizing too much.
Why Am I Apologizing?
Next, I did some digging.
Why was I apologizing?
What exactly was I apologizing for?
As I deconstructed each example I had tracked over that one day at work, I discovered an alarming pattern: I was apologizing for other people's behavior.
For example, when I don't catch something someone says the first time, I immediately assume it's because I wasn't paying attention or because my hearing isn't what it used to be. When I'm trying to get past someone blocking my way, I immediately apologize for interrupting them, even though they're the ones preventing me from moving forward.
What Else Can I Say Besides "I'm Sorry"?
Instead of saying, "I'm sorry," I've been trying to be more assertive and confident.
I belong here.
I now try to use phrases that communicate that:
- (Raise a hand.) "I didn't hear you. Could you please repeat that more clearly?"
- (Step closer.) "Excuse me, I need to get by you. Thanks."
- (Pause. Take a breath.) "I misspoke. Here's what I meant to say..."
The difference has been impressive.
It's increased my confidence in ways I can actually feel.
Have others noticed? Not directly, but they do respond differently. And sometimes, they'll apologize to me.
It's Not Just Me
I did some Googling and discovered that this isn't just my experience. Lots of women apologize too much. It's often related to people-pleasing and avoiding confrontation.
We're so conditioned to be agreeable and nice that we sometimes adopt a self-deprecating manner without realizing that it erodes the very respect we desire in our professional lives.
And it has a secondary—perhaps more destructive—side effect: it can also erode our self-perception and confidence, leading us to apologize not just for taking up space, but even for existing.
That was the aha moment for me.
I struggle with self-confidence and am deeply afraid of making mistakes, so I often apologize before the mistake is even noticed. In other words, I draw attention to the very mistake I was hoping no one would see.
So, How Do We Break the Habit?
Try doing what I did: track how many times you say the words I'm sorry at work.
Then examine why you said them.
Unless you truly did something wrong, I'm willing to bet your results will align with mine, and you'll discover that most of your apologies weren't necessary.
Try substituting more assertive language instead.
You can still be kind by adding please and thank you, but you may find the impact on your confidence to be dramatic.
Even simply saying, "Excuse me," instead of "I'm sorry," has had a profound effect on my confidence.
I've also had success replacing apologies with expressions of gratitude.
For example, instead of apologizing for being late, I say, "Thank you for waiting."
The Power of Words
The power of words is well known, but I think the lesson here is that the words we choose shape even the way we think about ourselves.
I'm no longer sorry for that.
