Leadership Is Built in the Small Choices No One Sees
True leadership is built through the small, unseen moments of genuine connection and listening.
When people hear the word leader, they often picture someone standing on a stage, leading a meeting, making big decisions, or carrying an impressive title. But after spending more than twenty years in education, from being a kindergarten teacher to serving as a superintendent, I've learned something that has completely changed the way I look at leadership.
The biggest moments aren't what define us.
It's the small ones.
It's the conversation you have in the hallway when someone is having a rough day. It's stopping what you're doing because someone just needs to be heard. It's writing a quick note of encouragement, celebrating someone's success, or believing in a person before they believe in themselves.
Those moments don't make headlines. Most people never even see them. But those are the moments that build trust, strengthen relationships, and ultimately create the culture every organization hopes to have.
I didn't always understand that.
When I became an instructional coach, I was excited. I had worked hard for the opportunity, and I walked into the role believing my job was to help teachers implement the district's initiatives and improve instruction.
One day, I walked into the classroom of a veteran teacher. During our conversation, I shared one of the instructional practices the district expected to see in every classroom, and I asked her if she was doing it.
She looked at me and simply said,
"No."
I was speechless. I remember standing there thinking, Did that really just happen? I didn't know what to say, so I left.
Later, during her walkthrough conference, I tried again. I explained the district's expectations, why this initiative was important, and that I would like to see her doing this the next time I came in.
Once again, she looked at me and said,
"No. I am NOT doing that!"
Again, I was shocked, and at the time, I didn't know how to respond. I walked away frustrated.
At first, I thought the challenge was that she simply wasn't willing to change. But after spending time reflecting, I realized something that would forever change the way I lead. The problem wasn't that she refused to listen. It was that I hadn't taken the time to listen to her. I had walked into her classroom focused on an initiative instead of building a relationship. So I changed my approach. Instead of leading with expectations, I started leading with curiosity.
I spent more time in her classroom - not to evaluate, but simply to be present. I asked about her students. I learned about her teaching style. We started eating lunch together. We laughed. We talked about life. We built a relationship. Something changed. When trust began to grow, our conversations changed too. Instead of me telling her what she needed to do, we started asking questions together.
"How could we make this fit your classroom?"
"What parts of this initiative make sense for your students?"
"How can I support you?"
The conversations became collaborative instead of corrective.
Looking back, I smile because she taught me one of the greatest leadership lessons of my career. People rarely resist change because they don't understand the initiative. They resist when they don't yet trust the person asking them to change. That teacher didn't just shape me as an instructional coach. She shaped me as a leader. She reminded me that before people will hear what you have to say, they first need to know that you've taken the time to hear them.
That experience became one of the inspirations behind a keynote I've been developing called The Five Choices That Change Lives.
While I won't give away all five choices just yet, I'd love to leave you with one that I believe has the power to transform every workplace, every school, every organization, and every relationship.
Choose to Listen
Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give another person. Not listening so we can respond. Not listening just long enough to solve the problem. Simply listening so people know they matter.
As leaders, we often feel like we need to have all the answers. We think every conversation requires a solution. I've learned that's not always true. Sometimes people don't need advice. They don't need someone to fix everything. Sometimes they simply need someone who genuinely hears them.
People may not remember every meeting you led. They may not remember every presentation you gave. But they'll always remember how you made them feel.
Did they feel valued?
Did they feel respected?
Did they feel like they mattered?
That's the kind of leadership people never forget.
Every single day, we have opportunities to make small choices that create a lasting impact - a smile, a handwritten note, a conversation in the hallway, a moment of encouragement, or choosing to believe in someone who may not yet believe in themselves.
Those moments may seem ordinary, but they're often the moments that change someone's day - or even their life. Leadership isn't about having the loudest voice in the room or the biggest title on a business card.
It's about choosing, every day, to leave people a little better than you found them.
Because at the end of the day, leadership isn't built during the moments everyone is watching.
It's built in the small choices no one sees.
