Memories can never be taken away
Finding peace and purpose in the journey of healing after losing a beloved parent.
Learning to Live With Grief
To those who have yet to lose a parent or a very close loved one, you are very lucky. You have yet to experience the grief and possibly the guilt that can come when it happens. Once it does, your life will never be the same. It becomes a "new norm," or at least that is what I was told. Yes, it is a "new norm" without your best friend, cruising partner, and partner in crime.
It has been a little over two years since my best friend, cruising partner, and partner in crime—that is what we called each other—passed away.
My mama was my best friend and the person who loved me from the day I was born until the day she passed. Not one day went by while I was growing up that my mom didn't say, "I love you," and truly mean it.
During these last two years, I have dealt with an insurmountable amount of grief and guilt. Grief from losing the best and most amazing mama I could ever imagine, and guilt because I wasn't there when she took her last breath.
Instead, my mama told me to go on my business trip, have fun, meet new people, and enjoy new adventures. Even at her worst, she was still thinking of others instead of herself.
I have been told that she didn't want me there. She didn't want me to see how much she had declined after being in the hospital three times before her final stay, which lasted almost three weeks.
During that time, Dad was able to see her after the first week because they had both had COVID. Then, during the next two weeks, because of my flight plans and work, I was unable to go to the hospital. I did speak with her every day when she was able to talk. That was when she told me, "Yes, go," so I did.
While I was in Tennessee, I called each day to ask about my sweet mama. On the morning of May 1, 2024, the day we were supposed to head home, I received the call.
My sweet mama had taken her last breath at 2:30 a.m. while my dad held her hand and three nurses stood in the room.
Mama went peacefully.
To this day, I carry the guilt that I wasn't there. I went on the business trip and had so much fun. I was able to see Joan Jett and Lynyrd Skynyrd in a private concert. I had fun while my sweet mama took her last breath.
But she wanted me to have fun. She wanted me to live. She didn't want to be a burden.
That was my mama, to a tee.
She didn't want to be a burden to anyone. She always put others before herself. She was the most selfless person I have ever known.
To this day, I still have my moments of wondering and asking why. I grieve daily, missing my sweet mama. I miss the hugs, the "I am so proud of you," and the "Your clients are so lucky to have an agent who cares so much."
I would give anything just to hear those words again and have one more "mama hug."
For those who say, "It gets easier," I don't know that it does. It is more like learning to live with a new reality. The pain, grief, and guilt are always there; they just feel a little different over time.
I am having to learn not to let grief consume me and my life.
Grief can consume you, and so can guilt. When you allow them to take over, you can become lost within yourself. You can lose touch with the reality of living and miss so many of the moments and experiences still happening around you.
I have learned that it is important to speak to others. And if you need help, ask for it. Consider talking with someone you trust, seeking professional support, or joining a local support group.
They are out there, and they can be incredibly helpful.
If you don't know where to start, look for a local CR (Celebrate Recovery) group. These groups can provide support for people dealing with many different challenges in life.
It never hurts to ask for help.
And perhaps the most important thing I am learning is this: Grief is the price we pay for having loved someone deeply.
I will always miss my mama.
I will always wish I could have had one more hug, heard one more "I love you," or listened to her tell me how proud she was of me.
But I am also learning that honoring her doesn't mean stopping my life.
She told me to go.
So, I am learning to keep going.
For her. For me. And for all the life she wanted me to live. ❤️
