Surviving Sexism in the Workplace: It’s Real, But Probably Not What You Think
Navigating Real Sexism in the Workplace: Learning to Distinguish Between Ignorance, Discrimination, and Growth Opportunities
Sexism in the Workplace Is Real
Sexism in the workplace is real. I've seen it. I've experienced it firsthand.
In my mid-twenties and still in grad school, I took a job as an audio-visual technician. My thought was that I could use the job to fine-tune an area of my career path that scared most students pursuing careers in film and TV production: audio.
Audio is much less forgiving than other fields, such as cinematography and set design. If you have a bad shot or inconsistencies on set, you can use the smoke and mirrors of a good editing program to hide your mistakes.
However, if you have bad audio, no one, no matter how good your production looks, will stick around to watch it.
To my surprise, the hardest thing about my job wasn't mastering audio.
It was dealing with sexism in the workplace.
Sexism in the Real World
In the movies, sexism looks like the fat editor-in-chief at the newspaper pawing the nerdy underling who just wants to put her Harvard degree to good use.
Don't get me wrong. That stereotype certainly exists. But for the most part, in the real world, sexism can look much different.
During my AV career, I quickly became the preferred technician in my department. Managers, event planners, and coworkers alike-both male and female-would contact me specifically because they preferred to work with me rather than other resort techs.
No matter the event or the struggles that arose during it, I'd make sure everything went smoothly.
Despite my reputation as a hard worker and trusted employee, sexism-even to the point of sexual harassment-still occurred.
My Experiences
While working graveyard shifts, I had, more than once, skedaddled from the premises because a few midnight temp hires were acting overtly predatory. Even after I reported the issue, and after several other women I worked with did the same, I was shocked to see that these men remained employed by the resort.
Then there was the brain surgeon, an event speaker, who treated me like garbage and referred to me as "she" with extra venom because his slideshow clicker wasn't working. (In reality, he had been using it backward, with the sensor pointing directly into his palm.)
And several times, a client who had just arrived would take one look at me, pull my boss aside, and ask if he could find someone older and...
Preferably a man.
Ouch.
Even more ouchy was the fact that these clients were often women themselves.
It was disheartening for a younger me, but these experiences taught me a few valuable lessons about sexism:
- It's not always a man-vs.-woman issue.
- You don't have to leave empty-handed.
Let Me Explain
Let's say we're visited by aliens.
Yeah. We're going there.
Aliens.
I'm sure most of us have never met an alien before, but we've all been exposed to myths, media, and even firsthand accounts that would influence how we receive extraterrestrials.
Some of us know them from goofy cartoons and E.T. Heck, we'd love to have a goofy little green friend. Bring on the bulbous-headed buddies!
Others of us know them from horror movies and sci-fi thrillers. We'll run away screaming, covering our booty holes at the first flickering light in the night sky.
Our expectations are shaped by what we've been exposed to.
What I've come to call sexism via ignorance (as opposed to sexism via hate) works the same way.
Sexism via Ignorance
Man or woman, if you've only been exposed to women in traditional roles, or to portrayals of women as overly emotional, overbearing, or incapable of figuring out how to work the buttons on something techy, you're going to have fewer experiences that challenge those stereotypes.
And that can influence how you interact with women when they show up in your life.
Women can do the same thing with men, mind you.
Depending on our history and past experiences, we may make assumptions about the men in our workplace. We may assume they're inherently stupid, lazy, gross, or unkind; that they don't want us around; that they won't value how we feel about something; or that they see us as a burden.
None of this means every biased assumption is deliberate. Sometimes, people genuinely don't realize the assumptions they're carrying into a room.
And that's where I think something important gets lost in the conversation about sexism.
Policies and People Problems
Not every problem can be solved with a policy, not every bias is malicious, and not every uncomfortable interaction is discrimination.
Of course, that doesn't mean workplace discrimination should be ignored.
When someone is being sexually harassed or deliberately discriminated against, the answer isn't to send everyone to a class on how not to be a dirtbag and call it a day. There need to be meaningful consequences and effective systems for reporting and addressing misconduct.
But when what we're dealing with is blatant and honest ignorance, something else can help:
Exposure.
Or, perhaps more accurately, experience.
Because, at the end of the day, we don't know what we don't know.
Exposure Therapy
I'm using the phrase "exposure therapy" here loosely. I'm not talking about clinical therapy, and I'm certainly not suggesting that women should repeatedly expose themselves to harmful or abusive workplaces. (More on that later.)
I'm talking about what happens when ordinary human beings spend enough time around people who don't fit their preconceived ideas.
Nothing expands our understanding of the world quite like discovering that the person in front of us is more complicated than the category we've put them in.
Sometimes, it's realizing that the woman who seemed intimidating in the big meeting is actually incredibly goofy and relatable in a smaller group setting.
Other times, it's discovering that the older man you assumed wouldn't understand social media is the person who comes up with the best marketing idea you've heard all week.
That's where a good workplace matters.
A Safe Place to Make Mistakes
The best workplaces I've experienced weren't places where everyone tiptoed around each other, terrified of saying the wrong thing. They were places where people could make mistakes, ask stupid questions, get corrected, laugh about it, and try again.
Safe is the important word there.
A safe workplace doesn't mean a workplace where nobody ever feels uncomfortable.
Learning is uncomfortable.
Being corrected is uncomfortable.
Discovering that you were wrong about something is very uncomfortable.
Safe means you can experience those things without being humiliated, threatened, exploited, or punished for existing outside someone else's expectations.
And that distinction matters.
Because there is a massive difference between someone making you uncomfortable and someone making you unsafe.
Uncomfortable or Unsafe?
Not every unpleasant interaction is sexism. Not every rejection is discrimination. And not every disagreement is misogyny.
For example, let's return to my clients who asked for a man to do their AV work.
What if I told you that many of them had worked with women AV techs in the past and had experienced horrible service?
Well, it's true. They had terrible experiences with women AV techs long before meeting me. And, from their horror stories, I can't blame them for being skittish at the sight of 5'9", frizzy-headed, wide-eyed me approaching them with an armful of audio cables.
But when someone uses your sex, your body, or your position of vulnerability to intimidate, demean, exploit, or control you, that's a different conversation entirely.
That's not a learning opportunity.
That's sexual harassment.
Identifying Sexual Harassment
The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is a much better resource for determining where that line actually falls than a magazine article can be.
Federal law protects workers from sex-based discrimination and harassment, including conduct by supervisors, coworkers, and even non-employees such as clients or customers.
Knowing the difference between someone who lacks exposure and someone who is deliberately discriminating against you is essential to creating a workplace where people can actually learn from one another.
Because exposure only works when the environment is safe enough to learn in the first place.
The goal of addressing sexism in the workplace isn't to teach women to tolerate bad behavior. It's to give all of us enough experience with one another that we stop assuming the worst before we've even met.
That's how you challenge stereotypes and build better teams.
And sometimes, that's how you discover that the problem you thought was sexism...
...wasn't sexism at all.
Sometimes, It's Not Sexism at All
I've also seen women blame sexism for problems that had nothing to do with sexism.
Sometimes, your idea just wasn't the best one.
Sometimes, someone else simply knew more than you did, had more experience to pull from, or got a lucky break when you didn't.
And sometimes, someone else was simply better.
That last one can be a tough pill to swallow.
It's especially hard when several professional setbacks happen in a row. And, don't you know it, it's usually on these days that the client says, "Can I get someone older? Preferably a man?"
Sure, sometimes they are indeed being sexist.
But sometimes, they're choosing him because he's more qualified.
That's part of being a professional.
What's important is learning to ask yourself an uncomfortable question:
Do I have evidence that I was treated differently because I'm a woman, or do I simply dislike the outcome?
And learning to tell the difference can be incredibly empowering.
Because if sexism wasn't the reason you lost the opportunity, that means you may actually have something you can change. (If you want to dive deeper into how framing setbacks this way helps you build resilience, researching Carol Dweck's work on the Growth Mindset is a great place to start.)
You can get better. You can take the rejection, figure out what it has to teach you, and come back stronger.
If every setback gets automatically filed under "because I'm a woman," you can accidentally rob yourself of the opportunity to grow.
And speaking of growth...
Don't Leave Empty-Handed
Of course, sometimes it's not safe or beneficial to stay.
If the environment is rotten and the game is rigged, you should leave.
That's okay, too.
In fact, if your safety or sanity is at risk, I would argue there's no other option.
You don't owe a toxic workplace your suffering just so you can prove how resilient you are. But no matter how difficult the environment, what's not okay is leaving empty-handed.
Make Your Struggles Serve You
Everyone-the good, the bad, the butt-ugly-has something to teach you.
The foundational skills I use today to create successful content as a digital content producer were built by men and women alike.
Some men were 110% sexist, but they were also incredibly good at negotiating contracts. And some women would have made better Disney villains than bosses, but they knew how to multitask like Cinderella.
And within those same environments, I'd find the best of the sexes, too.
I'd be blessed with the manager who passed on their knowledge of self-publishing and writing for niche audiences. I'd learn from the socialite who could charm anyone into becoming her ally. There was even one soft-spoken logistician whose SEO insights taught me how to write for virality.
Good people. Bad people. Difficult people. Weird people. Either way, there was always something to learn.
More importantly, taking what is yours as you go-knowing you were able to alchemize difficult workplace experiences into something useful-can be incredibly powerful during the healing process.
So, when you're in a situation where you feel inadequate, small, or unnoticed, take your lessons with you, even if it's simply to reassure yourself that you didn't just survive sexism in the workplace-you defeated it.
You didn't merely quit a tough job.
You faced the dragon and took his gold.
Ask Me Anything
After years of collecting lessons from the good, the bad, the brilliant, and the downright unbearable, I've learned that a career isn't just a collection of jobs.
I've built a platform where creators can come to find answers. Whether you're trying to grow an audience, build a business, navigate the creator economy, or simply figure out your next step, my goal is to make the path a little less confusing for you than it was for me.
I share practical tips, honest advice, and free resources for digital creators of every background.
If you'd like to subscribe to my newsletter-or if there's something you've been trying to figure out and you'd like me to cover it next-I'd love to hear from you at KirstieKolbie.com.
Because none of us know everything.
That's why we need each other.
Thanks, and good luck out there.
Love,
Kirstie "Kolbie" Piper
