TEEN AND DATING VIOLENCE: WHY AM I SO MESSED UP?
Unmasking the Cycles of Trauma: How Understanding Abuse and Codependency Can Lead to Healing and Prevention
Stepping Into the Darkness: A Journey Through Abuse, Codependency, and Healing
Stepping into a maximum-security prison began a journey into a world I knew nothing about. Having been gifted with deep empathy for the underdog, I was primed for violence as a result of unhealed soul damage within me. My journey is very personal and difficult, as I entered the dark world of a heroin drug dealer and male prostitute, thinking I could "help" him and other prisoners.
Pulled into codependency through a kinship with the part of society that people often shun, I've come to realize there is a common thread in many of our stories: abuse.
I became the "rescuer," bringing this young man out of prison and crack houses and into our middle-class suburban home as he detoxed, while I tried to locate rehabilitation facilities that could help him.
He was my "drug of choice" because I was primed for violence with an enabler. I was locked up in a prison of my own because of the soul damage within both of us from sexual abuse.
It was a very dark place for me to be.
A Sheltered Beginning
I grew up in a happy but very sheltered pastor's home, in a safe environment, with one brother whom I adored. We had strong Christian morals. We had no television and rarely went to movies, but we invited many of the neighborhood kids over to play games with us.
My best friend, Judi, was also a pastor's daughter. We shared our shameful secrets that we were afraid to tell anyone. Her brother had a skeleton key to her room, and as a result of his molesting her in the middle of the night, she became a closet alcoholic.
At age eighteen, I fell in love with my college-age sweetheart, and shortly before my twenty-first birthday, we were married.
My husband was smart and calm, with a servant's heart, and soon found a very good job as a field engineer with General Electric. I learned that he had a hard time saying "no" to people and realized that he was a people pleaser.
Work and church took him away from home a lot.
Nine years into our marriage, I discovered pornographic magazines hidden in his drawer. His eyes got him into trouble with women, as I discovered that he had had two affairs and had become unfaithful.
I was devastated, lost, and broken.
Feeling completely alone, I told no one.
I learned early in our marriage that his verbally abusive father, whom he very much loved, had cheated on his mother. At age fifty-seven, his father committed suicide, which devastated our family, especially his younger, college-age brother, who discovered his body.
I was the loyal wife, prematurely forgiving my husband before grieving my many losses. I became stuck in denial, which led to post-traumatic stress in both of us.
Generational curses were passed down through both our families, creating what felt like a double sickness. Neither of us used alcohol or drugs, but we were both codependent with unhealthy people.
Perhaps We Need to Ask Ourselves Some Questions
- Who am I?
- How do I see myself?
- How do others see me?
- Why do we rescue?
- What's wrong with me?
- Why do women end up in abusive marriages?
- Do most men cheat?
- Are all victims of abuse the same?
- How has abuse affected me?
- What is codependency?
- What does it mean to enable?
- Is dating violence okay?
- Why is teen violence accepted in society?
- What can I do about prevention?
Many of our teens, including me, were bullied in school.
Bullying breaks your spirit.
My daddy pastored a church in Texas. Because we moved from New York State, I didn't have a Southern accent, so the kids at my new high school made fun of the way I talked. They laughed as they asked me to say "cow" and "cement."
So I became a chameleon and hung out with kids who weren't like me—those who smoked and drank—because they accepted me.
STATISTICS OF TEEN VIOLENCE
- 9.4% of teens have experienced dating violence.
- One out of 10 teens has been a victim of physical dating violence.
- 72% of eighth- and ninth-graders are "dating."
- By the time a teenager is 16 years old, they have had sex or tried drugs.
- 11% of high school students and 6% of middle school students report being physically hurt by a date at some point in their lives.
- One-quarter of high school girls have been raped.
- Violence often begins at age 12 or younger.
- One in four teens has been a victim of verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- Most teen dating violence begins in the home of one of the parents.
LOVE IS NOT ABUSE!
Teens involved in abusive relationships will tell:
- 3% tell an authority figure.
- 6% tell a family member.
- 75% tell a friend.
"Education is the most powerful weapon to change the world." — Nelson Mandela
