Who Are You Becoming While Life Is Still Hard?

A young mother came into my office with her children close behind her, apologizing for bringing them along. I looked at her arms. They were covered in painful cysts the size of golf balls. As we talked, I learned that she was living with HIV.

At the time, I was a case manager for the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program, years before I moved into federal service. My role was to help families reach self-sufficiency through financial support, education, and connections to employment. I had met hundreds of families going through unfathomable situations in my office, so I thought I could tell whether a client would realistically complete the program—until this case.

As soon as this woman told me about her medical condition, I was ready to close her case, as I had done for multiple people with less serious conditions. Her record detailed her diagnosis and her circumstances. But the woman in front of me had a strong determination to do better for herself and her children, which was nowhere reflected in her file.

I kept her case open.

A Year of Proving the File Wrong

Over the next twelve months, her diagnosis didn’t change, and her arms still hurt. But she kept adding victories to her story that no one could have predicted from the original paperwork. She finished her training and secured a job. She now had a track record—a year of evidence that she had gotten up every morning and kept fighting.

Resilience is often defined as the ability to endure a hard stretch until it passes. But her hard stretch never passed, and she built a life anyway. She did not wait for her circumstances to improve before she decided who she was going to be.

The Part Your File Leaves Out

Each of us has a “file,” whether we have ever seen it or not. It might include a diagnosis, a layoff, a failed attempt, or a label someone assigned us years ago and never revised. It’s easy to start accepting that version, especially when the people around us believe it. But that file is only a record of where someone has been, and it says very little about how far that person is willing to go.

So, if your file describes only your difficulties, what would it leave out, and what are you doing to prove it wrong?

Note: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Department of War.