Who Takes Care of the Woman Who Handles Everything?

People call me all the time.

When they need to vent.

When they need advice.

When they need resources because they're going through a rough patch.

And I've always answered.

But now that I'm retired, I'm beginning to understand just how much I've extended myself over the years.

Even more, I'm beginning to see which of these relationships are reciprocal and which ones aren't.

Do You Know What They Say About Being the Eldest Daughter?

The third parent.

The natural leader.

Hyper-independent.

An overachiever.

A perfectionist.

The one who suppresses her own emotions and needs so she can manage everyone else's.

I recognize a lot of myself in that description.

I believe being the eldest daughter played a big role in who I've become. It's part of the reason discipline, drive, and dependability are my greatest strengths. And knowing that I can handle anything life throws at me? Unbeatable.

Except being capable for everyone all the time stops being a flex when others start viewing it as an expectation.

It becomes detrimental when you start viewing yourself as that person, too.

After years of living in that space, I realized just how depleted my cup was when it was time to address my own overwhelm or discomfort.

The first time I decided to reach out to someone in the same way others did to me, I didn't even know who to call. This isn't to say I didn't have amazing people in my life; I did. But I didn't understand how to lean on them the way they leaned on me because I never exercised that muscle.

Asking for help when you hardly ever do is tough. It sets you up to be vulnerable, possibly disappointed, and changes the dynamic of a relationship because you're relinquishing some control.

The Switch Causes Imbalance Before It Causes Balance

At first, I didn't realize I was a part of my own problem.

I can't tell you how many times I'd get anxious that the person I put myself in the position to need wouldn't be able to handle it. Shortly after asking for help, I'd tell them, "Actually, don't worry about it!"

Some people allowed me to take over, and there were times I felt slighted because I wouldn't have responded that way.

Others responded with, "Girl, relax. I got it," which was exactly what I needed to hear to give me peace.

The thing is, both responses taught me something.

I learned how unfair it is to expect someone to respond the way I would. They were doing what I asked, while I was doing what I always did: taking control back the moment I became uncomfortable.

And there were also times it hurt, realizing that those who often leaned on me when they needed help were nowhere to be found when the tables turned.

These experiences taught me something different about relationships: not everyone you show up for will know how—or choose—to show up for you.

But that's a conversation for a different day.

Putting myself out there like this was an adventure.

It taught me boundaries, how to ask for help, and the different ways people show up.

More importantly, it showed me that receiving help and being cared for doesn't negate my strength.

Being the eldest and spending three decades in the military taught me a ton about enduring. But I'm no longer growing up taking care of siblings, and I'm no longer in the service. So, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about who I want to be in this new era.

I've also been thinking about all of the other women who have spent their lives doing, caring, leading, achieving, and enduring, too.

The women who have an undying allegiance to:

• Careers
• Children
• Relationships
• Partners
• Parents
• Communities
• Ambitions
• Ourselves

If you're the woman everyone calls when something needs to be handled, I want you to think about one thing this week:

Who do you let take care of you?

Until next time, stay rooted. Keep rising!