WOUNDS THAT HEAL: BEYOND BETRAYAL
A Personal Journey Through Betrayal, Shame, and Spiritual Restoration
When Trust Is Broken: Finding Hope, Healing, and Forgiveness
Standing at the altar 42 years ago, I never dreamed in a million years that I would be faced with an affair after only nine years of marriage. We were both Christians, and I was raised in a pastor's home. I wondered, How could this happen to me?
I also discovered pornographic magazines hidden in my husband's drawer. After confronting him about them, he threw them out. Unfortunately, one of our teenage sons later found them in the woods.
The pain sent me reeling. I felt like the rug had been jerked out from under my feet. Soon after the first affair, it happened again within a year. I was utterly bewildered, not knowing what to do or whom to tell, so I told no one.
The reason I write about this now is to give other couples hope that they, too, can not only survive but also find a deeper love for God and one another again.
My trust in people had already been shattered, particularly in men, because of incest by my grandfather from ages 2 to 8 and clergy sexual abuse at ages 11 and 12. My husband was my provider, my protector, and the love of my life.
We had survived so much, including our inability to conceive a much-wanted child. Years of infertility eventually led to the adoption of our firstborn son. Then, in His mercy, God heard our prayers, opened my womb, and I soon had two babies only 14 months apart.
I opened my Bible and read, “The eye of the adulterer watches for dusk; he thinks, ‘No eye will see me,’ and he keeps his face concealed.” —Job 24:15
God sees and knows our hearts. We are never alone.
I believe that not only sin but also difficult circumstances contributed to my husband's affairs. When our sons were almost two and three years old, his 57-year-old father tragically died by suicide. We were both devastated and felt abandoned.
When pain is not dealt with, it can fester like poison underneath our skin.
When Betrayal Changes Everything
Any form of infidelity requires us to be dishonest with ourselves, with others, and with God. Pornography can become a form of betrayal and an addiction. Our lives become poisoned, which can make our walk with God feel impossible.
His warnings are severe. Lust can damage our ability to relate to God's Spirit. If we do not seek repentance and forgiveness, it can also lead to spiritual separation from God.
I held tightly to the chains of shame for most of my life because of being molested, and the betrayals compounded my feeling that I was so lost.
Shame held me prisoner with no walls. I could not get out of my cage. When I finally found the courage to climb out, I thought that others held the keys to unlocking the door. But how could anyone possibly understand or be able to help me?
Despair was my world, and my voice fell silent.
Shame is like walking through life carrying heavy baggage wherever you go. You believe that you need those heavy suitcases, filled with past experiences, with you all day, every day.
It felt like I was climbing a mountain with a tremendous load on my back. When I reached the top, there was always a higher mountain to climb.
I couldn't see my way out of the maze that had been created by others.
Panic and depression seemed to be my only way out.
Or was it?
When Trust Is Broken
I realized that I couldn't handle these burdens alone, so I told a friend whom I thought would keep my confidence.
I was wrong.
As gossip spread around our small church, I was shunned and rejected by my own church family, including our inexperienced pastor.
Several years later, when I confronted him, he told me that he knew about the affair. But because he was naive about how to work with couples in crisis, instead of coming alongside us, he did nothing.
How could I trust my husband again?
My world was turned upside down, and my marriage, which had already failed me, lay at my feet in shreds.
As a pastor's daughter, I was taught as a child that Jesus commands us to forgive. So I forgave my husband because I still loved him.
What I now realize is that premature or quickly granted forgiveness can actually hinder the healing process.
When our hearts are ripped out of our chests, our spouse needs to hear and feel our pain. If they don't understand the depth of the pain they caused, it can continue to surface in everything we say and do.
We can become stuck in grief.
For me, compounded by my denial of my own sexual abuse, that grief turned inward.
Trust Must Be Earned
Trust must be earned for true forgiveness to come from the heart.
But for full healing to occur within me and within our marriage, I realized that I had to come face-to-face with myself.
I call it “looking in the mirror darkly,” and I didn't like what I saw.
As I spent time reading my NIV Recovery 12-Step Devotional Bible, I read that God sees me differently than I see myself.
Shame made me feel dirty.
God says I'm clean.
He says that He remembers my sin no more and that, once confessed, it will be buried in the deepest sea. He says that though I see my sins as scarlet, once confessed, they are white as snow.
He promises that He sees the purity in me.
He doesn't cling to my past.
He sees my past, my present, and my future.
He sees the beautiful diamond He created me to be, with a greater purpose than I can even see in myself.
God promises that He will carry my baggage for me and that I can walk forward with Him, holding my hand as I trust Him regardless of others' opinions or perceptions of me.
I read in my Recovery Bible:
“I will give you a new heart with new and right desires and will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony heart of sin and give you a new, obedient heart.” —Ezekiel 36:26
The Healing Had to Begin Within Me
I began to realize, as I slowly came out of the darkness, that my severe postpartum depression was related to those suppressed memories.
As I began to come to grips with all my losses, I started asking God for a touch from Him.
If my spiritual life was practically nonexistent, my emotional life couldn't change.
I read Revelation 3:15–16:
“I know your deeds, you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were one or the other. So, because you are lukewarm, I am about to spit you out of my mouth!”
The Holy Spirit began a fire burning within my soul as I prayed for God to change my dark spirit.
And I began to understand something profound:
How could I expect my husband to change when the change had to begin with me?
