Jackie Kellso

What is the code?

The code is an emotional leash that chokes us, limiting our freedom to fully identify as the women we are and want to become. It is made up of beliefs, thoughts, and emotions stored in our brains that keep us stuck - preventing us from making decisions or changes that would open us to our full potential.

The code is fear.

It holds us back from being our true selves and, ultimately, from experiencing happiness.

Greek goddesses represent women who do not live under the spell of the code. We are drawn to them because, in aggregate, they represent the whole empowered woman - reflecting beauty, love, sensuality, ferocity, compassion, fearlessness, wisdom, intuition, and more. Greek goddesses are free from the code.

A Real-Life Greek Goddess

I feel as though I have encountered a real-life Greek goddess. If you have ever seen Bridget Everett, the actress and cabaret star, you have seen a woman who could be the lovechild of Venus, the goddess of love, and Athena, the goddess of war.

There is no emotional leash on Bridget Everett. She is the embodiment of female power and expression - sensuality, humor, vulnerability, beauty, strength, and, above all, authenticity.

I find her deeply inspiring.

In her live show, whose opening number is "F$#k Sh*t Up," she warns the audience that that is exactly what she is there to do - and she does. She is intentional and aware that she is disrupting our sense of what is acceptable, willing to offend, but with so much levity and lightheartedness that you cannot help but laugh along.

Think of a female disruptor in a male-dominated system. Don't we all want to f$#k sh*t up?

There is nothing private about private parts in her act. She blows that entire concept wide open. She has even labeled herself a "gynecological wonder," and invites people in her audience - young, old, all genders - to stand and sing along with her.

There is a YouTube clip of her putting a microphone up to a young man and having him sing that he will "keep his d**k in his pants." It is hilarious to watch him bravely go along with it, as though he had no choice. She is very persuasive.

On stage, Bridget wears the skimpiest outfit that barely leaves anything to the imagination - not to abase herself, not to intimidate, and not for praise. At one point, she sat on a bar stool in a tiny sequined dress and wept while singing a love song to her sister, who had passed away from cancer. She made us feel every human emotion possible in a two-hour show.

Meeting Bridget Everett

After the show, I was able to meet her and wanted to thank her for an extraordinary experience. (I was able to go backstage because my musician husband is friends with her band members.)

She was casually dressed in Birkenstocks. The sequins were gone.

I did not know what to expect, but what I encountered was a mild, reserved, soft-spoken woman who, outside of her stage presence, blended into the crowd. I introduced myself and told her I thought she was a force of life - powerful, authentic, and deeply inspiring.

As I spoke, she looked directly at me with gentle eyes, absorbing every word. I could tell my gratitude meant something to her, and I loved that. It was a beautiful exchange.

Bridget Everett is a brand, but she is also a very real woman. An intentional life like hers does not come from someone trapped inside the code. It comes from someone using her unique voice, strength, passion, and talent - her wholeness - to live free.

WHY WE CHOOSE TO STAY STUCK

Neuroscience is a vast and complex field of study. Even the most advanced scientists can only understand so much about the human brain; it is an ever-evolving science. However, we do know a great deal, and we have answers to some difficult questions, such as: Why can't I move beyond this thought, idea, issue, area of my life, or behavior?

We're Wired to Create Predictable Habits to Help Us — Yet Some Can Derail Us

Staying as we are has its benefits. We are wired for predictability and safety. Predictability reduces the number of decisions we need to make each day, conserves energy, and helps create routines that improve efficiency.

Some patterns or habits may have originally developed to provide safety or predictability. Over time, however, the role they play may no longer serve us. The pattern needs to change to create new and healthier ways of being. Yet even when we know that change could be positive, the very notion of making that change can activate a warning system. Our brain's security guard—the amygdala—fires up to protect us.

What's Going On in Our Brains

Behind the scenes, the amygdala determines whether a situation is too threatening to handle and signals the release of cortisol, a stress hormone. This activates our self-defensive responses—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—and temporarily reduces access to our thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex, so that our energy can focus on self-preservation. Decision-making and critical thinking are pushed aside while our emotional brain takes over to protect us and maintain the status quo.

It is important to note, however, that the amygdala helps us avoid threats of any kind—even imagined ones.

When our minds think:

Pushing people away keeps me from being taken advantage of.

—or—

If I say yes to my boss's request to take on more work, I have a better chance of getting that promotion.

These thoughts can trigger the amygdala, even when the assumptions behind them are irrational. The thoughts and feelings themselves are real, but they may not be based in reality. Our brains perceive a threat to our well-being and safety, even if the threat is only imagined. The amygdala simply responds with the tools it has.

How to Get Unstuck

Our thought patterns can become so closely linked to our identity that the idea of change can feel as though we are killing off a part of ourselves.

Much of it comes down to our beliefs and how limiting or irrational they may be. If we fundamentally believe that we aren't capable, are undeserving, are too weak to change, or simply don't have a compelling enough reason to do so, we will resist change.

So, how do we get unstuck?

Often, it happens when the pain of staying stuck reaches its peak and can no longer be tolerated. We find ourselves on our proverbial knees, saying, I give. Enough.

When that happens—and when the vision of life on the other side becomes strong, vivid, and compelling—that is when we muster the courage to move forward.

That is when we begin to get unstuck.