The Narcissist - Watching Them Fall from Grace
When they Lose Control
The Narcissist
We have all encountered a few throughout our lives. It may have been a family member, someone you have worked with, or someone you have had a relationship with.
Each encounter brings different consequences because of the type of connection you have with them. If it is a family member, there may be many moments of being “guilt-tripped” into doing what they want in order to keep the peace. In a work situation, it can involve demeaning others to gain dominance and control while claiming power. In a relationship, many factors come together, making it extremely difficult to endure because there is no break from the situation.
The narcissist ultimately wants total control of everything as they scheme their way to the top of their own self-absorbed mountain. They leave no stone unturned in their pursuit of insidious goals, many of which are delusional. They are relentless in their quest for ultimate control.
The mind of a narcissist rarely rests; they operate in a constant “plotting and planning” mode. There is always a strategy in motion as they chip away at the safety and sanity of their partner. Once they achieve one objective, they immediately move on to the next game of cat and mouse.
It starts small. Some behaviors may be overlooked or brushed off. What begins as “love bombing” can slowly turn into a nightmare, as the victim is silenced and diminished. This type of lifestyle is exhausting, often leaving a person mentally altered and changed at their core. Vision becomes clouded as they walk on eggshells just to survive. Yes, this is the reality countless people live when they remain in toxic unions.
But what happens when the tables are turned?
The Fall from Grace
When the partner of a narcissist decides to leave, the journey is rarely easy. Control is not relinquished willingly; in fact, the opposite often occurs. The victim may feel as though they are fighting for their life. Escaping the grip of that dysfunction can be even more painful than remaining in it. It requires immense planning and preparation to leave, and even more strength to maintain boundaries afterward.
The narcissist may escalate their behavior, intensifying manipulation and cruelty, leaving the victim emotionally battered. The strategy is simple: keep the victim exhausted and distraught so they cannot think clearly. This cycle can continue for months or even years, depending on the depth of the individual’s disturbance. Situations may turn violent or destructive in attempts to regain control. Tragically, in some cases, they can even become deadly.
A sociopath’s distorted thinking is difficult to comprehend. They often believe their own lies and rationalize their behavior to justify wrongdoing. They may paint themselves as “the victim” to gain sympathy and validation. It is a profoundly warped sense of self.
When they lose control, confusion often follows because their tactics are no longer effective. The victim begins to find their voice and regain strength. The blinders come off. The narcissist struggles in this situation because control and intimidation are the only tools they know.
They do not surrender easily. The path will be bumpy before it is finally over—and sometimes it never feels completely over, because the narcissist’s personality and thought patterns remain unchanged. Survivors must establish strong support systems to stand their ground and free themselves from that oppressive control. The process can be long and draining, but freedom is possible. With deep self-work, therapy, and self-care, healing can happen. It may take years, but strength and clarity do return.
Trigger Warning: Personal Experience
As a young girl living through abuse in both childhood and adolescence, I was forced into a relationship I did not welcome. I was thirteen; he was fifteen. From the beginning of that ill-fated union, I sensed turmoil ahead, but I could never have imagined the depth of it.
It began with verbal and emotional abuse. It escalated to physical violence, sexual abuse, and torturous behavior. I was living in fear and knew I needed to find a way out. It took two years to fully escape—years filled with beatings, rape, stalking, and an unwanted pregnancy. (I later wrote my personal memoir, The Unspoken Truth, sharing my life experiences.)
The stalking was terrifying. I often found myself hiding just to avoid being seen. One experience remains etched in my memory because it was so eerie.
I would visit friends who had converted their attic into a hangout space. We would play music and talk for hours. As a teenager, I walked everywhere, and my abuser knew my usual route. One day, as I walked to my friend’s house, I sensed someone behind me. When I turned around, I saw him riding down the street on his bike, screaming my name.
I ran as fast as I could. My heart pounded, sweat pouring down my back. I cut through yards, trying to lose him, and eventually hid inside an open shed. I could hear him shouting obscenities, screaming, “There is nowhere to hide!” I shook uncontrollably, praying he would not find me.
When I finally left the shed, I made my way to my friend’s house, only to discover they were not home. Panic set in. In the distance, I could still hear him chanting my name. I ran up the back steps and into the house in complete distress. As I reached the second-floor landing, his voice grew louder and more unhinged.
My friend’s grandmother came out of her room, having heard the commotion. She looked at me with wide, concerned eyes. Through tears, I managed to say, “He is coming to hurt me.” She calmly told me, “Go to the attic. I will lock the downstairs door.”
I ran upstairs and looked out the window. There he was, riding up and down the middle of the street, screaming, “LISA! LISA! COME OUT AND PLAY! I KNOW YOU ARE HERE!” His voice grew more frenzied until a neighbor came outside, yelling at him and threatening to call the police. Only then did he leave.
I sat in that attic for what felt like hours, sobbing uncontrollably, until my friend returned home. I was deeply grateful for their protection that day.
If I close my eyes, I can still see my younger self standing in that attic, frozen in fear, listening to his twisted voice. Some core memories never fully leave us, even after years of therapy and self-work. They remain as echoes—leftover triggers from the past.
I share this story to show how far an abuser will go to regain control. There were many other incidents like this one until he eventually moved on to a new target, beginning the cycle again. Patterns repeat when accountability is absent.
Awareness is key to change.
Please visit: www.lisazarcone.net to leave comments or ask questions.
Lisa Zarcone
Resources
The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
Text 88788 and text the word BEGIN to start a conversation
National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline:
Dial or text 988
Core Traits of a Narcissist (Man or Woman)
A narcissistic man is someone who consistently exhibits traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder, including an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
A narcissistic woman exhibits similar traits, such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, and manipulative behavior, often resulting in toxic relational dynamics.
