Are you still negotiating like a 16th century courtier?
Discover how shifting from power over to power with creates stronger, more sustainable agreements.
Are You Still Negotiating Like a 16th-Century Courtier?
In the classic royal courts, one principle reigned supreme: egoism. It was a zero-sum, "power over" world in which a counterpart's gain automatically meant your loss. You were either a winner or a loser.
While strategic deception and Machiavellian tactics might win a quick battle, the modern, interconnected world operates by different rules. If we believe we must rely solely on egoism and external compliance through threats or bribes, we create a recipe for long-term resentment, reputational damage, and disengaged teams. At times, the cultures of our workplaces, neighborhoods, or even our teams may seem to require us to play hardball 100 percent of the time.
However, many of us have found strength and success by embracing the evolution of negotiation: shifting from pure egoism to joint self-interest. I have witnessed this through both research and my experience working with executives around the world. Many of us also practice this approach within our community, The Social Intelligence Lab.
The Neuroscience of "Power With"
Neuroscience suggests that external motivators, such as money or fear of punishment, primarily activate short-term reward systems in the brain. In contrast, intrinsic motivators—including autonomy, purpose, and meaningful social connection—engage deeper neural networks associated with long-term satisfaction, commitment, and well-being.
To build sustainable, collaborative agreements, we must shift our tactics:
- Old Way: Control options to limit choices.
- New Way: Offer choices aligned with a shared purpose.
- Old Way: Focus on short-term compliance.
- New Way: Focus on meaningful, mutually beneficial outcomes.
- Old Way: Use fear or rewards as primary drivers.
- New Way: Inspire mastery, autonomy, and connection.
When we connect our goals to the mutual interests of others, we do more than close a deal—we unlock creativity, strengthen relationships, and build lasting trust.
Reflection for Women Leaders and Negotiators
As you prepare for your next negotiation, ask yourself:
Are you focusing too much on forcing compliance, or are you actively working to engage the deeper, shared interests of the other party? What might that look like in practice? How can you create conditions where both sides feel invested in the outcome?
Happy negotiating!
