Becoming Her Again

Before the Wife, There Is a Woman. And That Woman Is You.

Before the wife, there is a woman. And that woman is you.

You have needs. You get tired. You carry dreams, fears, responsibilities, disappointments, and a whole life into your relationships.

And if you are anything like me, you carry much of that silently.

Your friends may not know your biggest fears. Your family may not realize how overwhelmed you feel. You cry behind closed doors, wash your face, and return to whatever needs your attention.

Sometimes you sit in the car for an extra five minutes before going inside. The engine is off, but your thoughts are still running. You think about what you have not finished, who still needs something, and everything waiting on the other side of that door.

Somewhere in those thoughts, you begin telling yourself you are not doing enough. You question what you can accomplish while overlooking everything you have already done.

And you put yourself on the back burner. Again.

Eventually, going without what you need becomes familiar. You stop mentioning the dream. You postpone the lunch. You tell yourself you will make time when life slows down.

But before you became somebody's wife, you were your own woman. You still are.

This is your reminder. You may have forgotten about her while taking care of everyone around you, but she is still there.

I want to help you get back to her. To remember what excites her. To understand what she needs. To reignite her flame.

You must first inspire the woman in order to empower the wife.

Before we talk about what you give to your relationships, let's make room to understand you.

Give Yourself Somewhere to Begin

Grab a pen and paper and come back with me.

Use a notebook you already have, or find a journal that makes you excited to open it. Get the colorful pens. Get the feather pen if that makes this time feel special.

You deserve something that feels like yours.

As you read, put your answers in writing. We move so quickly that we can recognize a feeling and rush past it before understanding what it means. Writing gives you something concrete to return to, reflect on, and use to make a plan.

You do not need beautiful sentences. You need honest ones.

How Are You Doing?

Not how is your marriage doing. Not how is your husband. Not how are the children or everything around you.

How are you doing?

Take your time. If "I'm fine" is your first answer, give yourself a moment to go deeper.

Emotionally: What have you been feeling lately? What has brought you joy? What has hurt, frustrated, or disappointed you? What have you been keeping inside?

Physically: How does your body feel? Are you resting? Have you been making room to eat, move, and care for yourself? What physical needs keep getting postponed?

Mentally: What keeps running through your thoughts? What are you still trying to solve when you lie down at night?

Spiritually: How connected do you feel to God and your faith? What helps you feel grounded? Have you made room for prayer, reflection, or the spiritual practices that matter to you?

You can be grateful and tired. You can love your family and need time alone. You can be proud of your progress and still want something to change.

Finish this sentence in writing:

"Something I have been needing, but keep telling myself can wait, is…"

Give yourself permission to tell yourself the truth. Your answer gives you somewhere to begin.

Look at What Is Already in Your Hands

Sometimes you choose the weight before you understand what carrying it will require.

You say yes to marriage, motherhood, a career, or a goal because it matters to you. Then you discover how much time and attention it takes. Life adds things you never chose: illness, grief, financial strain, and disappointment.

You adjust and keep going.

Then one evening, you are cooking dinner. Your phone lights up. Someone needs an answer. You remember an appointment you still have to schedule. Your husband asks a question, and you hear the frustration in your own voice before you have time to stop it.

Later, you wonder why such a small question upset you.

Look at what was already in your hands.

Sometimes the final argument is simply the last thing somebody tried to place into an already full hand.

Write down the responsibilities taking up your time and energy. Include the things people see and the things they may never notice: planning meals, remembering appointments, arranging childcare, managing bills, working late, and keeping track of what everyone needs next.

Which responsibilities feel manageable? Which feel too heavy? Have you communicated your distress, or are you carrying it silently and hoping someone will notice?

Choose one thing you could approach differently this week.

If cooking every dinner leaves you exhausted, could your spouse take responsibility for two nights? If you manage the entire children's bedtime routine, could you divide the tasks? If work regularly follows you into the evening, what would help you establish a stopping time?

Write down the change you need. Then plan how you will ask for it.

"I'm feeling overwhelmed managing dinner and bedtime every night. Can we sit down tomorrow and work out how to share those responsibilities?"

Make room to hear what your spouse is carrying, too. Agree on who will do what and when you will check back in.

Not everything is yours to carry. Some things can be carried together.

Understand the Feeling Beneath the Response

When life gets heavy, who do you become?

Do you get quiet? Become defensive? Try to control everything? Say, "I'm fine," until the frustration spills out?

Sometimes the emotion people see is different from the feeling you are carrying inside. Your response may be an attempt to protect something tender.

You show anger because you are hurt. What comes out is, "Whatever. Do what you want." Inside, you are thinking, "I wanted to know that my feelings mattered."

You become quiet because you are trying not to cry. Someone sees distance, while you are struggling to keep yourself together.

You take control of every detail because you are afraid something will go wrong or because people have let you down in the past. Others hear demands, while you are carrying worry you have not put into words.

These are possibilities to explore in yourself. Ask: "What am I feeling underneath what everyone can see?"

Think about one recent moment when you did not like your response. Write down what happened, what you felt, what you said or did, and what you needed.

Then practice translating the response into words that explain the need.

"I'm sounding angry, but I'm hurt. I want to explain why."

"I'm quiet because I'm overwhelmed. I need a few minutes, and then I want to talk."

"I'm worried about how this will work. Can we make a plan together?"

Understanding yourself also gives you an opportunity to take responsibility. "I was overwhelmed, and I spoke to you harshly. I'm sorry. Next time, I'm going to tell you I need some time."

Write one sentence you want to practice saying before your frustration takes over.

Give Yourself Time to Arrive Home

You have left work, but are you still carrying the workday?

You walk through the door thinking about an unfinished task. Your shoulders are tight. You have barely eaten. Before you put your bag down, the questions begin.

"What's for dinner?"

"What are we doing tonight?"

"What time does the kids' game start?"

You want to be present, but you have not had a moment to settle.

Consider creating a transition you can repeat. Tell the people you love what you need before the next difficult evening arrives.

"When I get home, I'm going to take the first ten minutes to settle in. Then I'll come back so we can talk about the evening."

Arrange this around your family's needs and any immediate caregiving responsibilities. You might sit in your parked car, spend a few minutes in your bedroom, or find another quiet space. Drink some water. Change clothes. Breathe. Pray. Listen to a song. Let yourself finish arriving.

Then return when you said you would.

Boundaries give people clear information about your needs and what they can expect from you. You can communicate them with love and follow through consistently.

What boundary would help you make that transition? What needs to happen so you can put it into practice?

Write it down, including how you will explain it.

Open hands still have boundaries. Openness never requires accepting abuse, threats, coercion, or harm.

Take the Time Off

One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn in my career is this: take the time off.

When you are dedicated to your work, you have goals. People depend on you. You are a boss in your own right, and there is always something else to accomplish.

It becomes easy to save your leave while postponing yourself.

If you have leave available, consider planning a day for yourself. Beyond the family vacation and the days already committed to appointments or obligations, make room for a day that belongs to you.

Even once a quarter, choose a random Tuesday or Friday. Request the day, arrange what needs to be covered, and decide how you want to spend it.

You do not need to fill every hour.

You might sleep a little later, enjoy breakfast, take a walk, have lunch alone, or spend time doing something you keep putting off because it brings you joy rather than checking a task off your list.

In your journal, write down a possible date. What would you need to arrange? What would make the day feel restorative to you?

If a full day is not available, consider a half day or another protected block of time.

Give yourself something to look forward to, and practice letting that time belong to you.

Make an Appointment With Yourself

When was the last time you did something just for you?

Something you enjoyed. Something you looked forward to. Something that gave you room to breathe.

Through The Couples Community, I make room for women to walk, reflect, laugh, connect, and enjoy being cared for. Those experiences deserve a place in your everyday life, too.

Take a walk. Pray or meditate. Sit outside. Listen to music. Have lunch by yourself or with a friend. Get your hair done. Return to an interest you have wanted to make time for.

What sounds enjoyable to you?

If your schedule is full, begin with at least 30 minutes each week dedicated to you. Choose something that fits your circumstances and budget.

Make the plan concrete. Put it in your phone. Set a reminder. Arrange childcare if needed. If you plan to walk after work, put your sneakers in your bag before you leave home.

Set yourself up to follow through.

Write down what you will do, when you will do it, and what you need to prepare. Think about what could interrupt your plan and how you might adjust.

When you feel tempted to use that time for another chore, remind yourself: "This is something I am doing for me."

As you discover what helps, look for ways to make more room.

Give Your Encouragement a Voice

Think about what you say to yourself in those quiet moments in the car.

"I'm going to fail."

"I can't do this."

"My dreams will have to wait."

Negative thoughts happen. Having one does not mean it is true or that it must decide your next step.

When one appears, practice answering it with something positive and meaningful out loud.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to fail. When that feeling comes, I say:

"I will be successful. I will meet my goals. I will exceed my expectations. I'm perfect in God's eyes."

Those words help me encourage myself to keep going. Then I consider what I need to do next.

Try looking in the mirror and saying, "You are important. Your dreams matter, too. You can take the next step."

Choose words you can return to. Write them in your journal. Beside them, identify an action that supports what you are saying.

If your statement is, "I will meet my goals," what will you do this week? Finish the application? Make the call? Spend 20 minutes writing? Ask for help?

You can acknowledge fear and still move forward. Give encouragement a voice, then support it with action.

Come Back and Tell Yourself the Truth Again

After you take the time you planned for yourself, return to your journal.

What did you do? How did you feel before, during, and afterward? Did you enjoy it? Why or why not?

Did guilt show up? Were you distracted? What helped you settle into the experience? What would you change?

Perhaps lunch alone felt peaceful. Perhaps you discovered you wanted company. Maybe the walk helped you clear your head, or you realized you would rather spend that time doing something else.

Your answers are information about you. Use them.

Write down one thing you learned and what you want to do next week. Put that next step on your calendar.

If journaling is unfamiliar, start with a few sentences today and return once a week. Look back occasionally. Notice what keeps appearing, what is improving, and what still needs attention.

She Is Still There

I hope you have enjoyed this reading. More than anything, I hope you leave with at least one thing you will put into practice to care for yourself and begin feeling more confident again.

Perhaps it is a conversation you need to have, ten minutes to settle after work, a new boundary you will introduce to your family, a day of leave, or 30 minutes that finally have your name on them.

Choose one. Write it down. Prepare for it. Follow through, and give yourself permission to learn along the way.

The goal isn't to carry everything perfectly. The goal is to recognize when your hands are getting full before they become fists.

I believe in you. Your needs deserve attention. Your dreams deserve room. You are beautiful, and you deserve to speak to yourself with care.

Before you close this page, say these words out loud in your own space:

"I am worthy of time, care, and joy.

My dreams matter.

I can ask for help and honor my boundaries.

I can take the next step.

Today, I am making room for me."

The next time you sit in the car for those extra five minutes, check on yourself. Notice something you accomplished. Name what you need. Remember the promise you made to give yourself time.

She is still there. Let's inspire her again.