My Problem Relationship with Power
From "Power Over" to "Power With": A Journey of Discovery and Advocacy
The Problem
When I finished my undergraduate Social Change degree (after 10 years as a part-time student), I moved to Roatan, Honduras, to manage a scuba diving resort. I managed the kitchen and dining room, housekeeping, and office operations. The resort was a partnership between a Honduran owner and a dive master from Bonaire whose American wife, Alice, was from Miami.
One day, my six waiters and I sat with Alice in our open-air dining room overlooking a turquoise reef in the distance. She had a very direct, instructive communication style. As the conversation continued, however, her tone became increasingly aggressive and disrespectful.
At one point, pointing to the hibiscus and bamboo plants surrounding us, she said, “You boys need to pick some hibiscus and bamboo stalks to make flower arrangements for the tables.”
Minutes of silence followed. My mind raced. How should I address this, especially since we already did this work regularly?
Abruptly, Heston, one of the waiters with years of cruise ship experience, pushed back from the table and said, “Ma'am, you do not call us boys. We are grown men with families, and we make our living at this resort.”
Like a lightning bolt, I realized how little I understood my own power. I was embarrassed that even though I had the structural authority to advocate for my employees, I had not done so. I had not advocated for myself either. I felt powerless. I was miserable.
At the same time, civil wars were raging across Central America. I was increasingly disturbed by ineffective U.S. foreign policy and its costly consequences. I felt powerless as an American to influence policies that I believed were harming this new region I had come to love. I was desperate to understand why.
The Solution
I believed the solution to my sense of powerlessness was to pursue a PhD in Political Science—the study of power—and learn the rules governing why some groups have power and others do not.
Political science often examines power through fundamentally Machiavellian frameworks: the idea that the ends justify the means. Power is often defined as the ability to make someone do something they would not otherwise do. The concepts I encountered focused heavily on tactics of coercion, manipulation, and winning.
I Was Wrong
However, I was wrong to believe that graduate study centered on “power over” concepts would solve my problem of powerlessness or teach me how to advocate effectively for others.
Many historical and political examples grounded in “realist” traditions often overlooked the social movements and rights protections forged by change agents—people who frequently lacked structural authority or significant resources.
I believed that if I worked hard and passed every exam, I would finally understand what power truly meant and how I could possess it. Instead, the pursuit felt deeply unsatisfying and increasingly misguided. I realized I had been searching for answers in hardball strategies and tactics.
I learned that within any group of people there are bystanders, perpetrators of coercive tactics, and individuals capable of collaboration. It is tempting to believe that domination and coercion are the most effective paths to success.
Several semesters into graduate school, however, I discovered concepts from social psychology and institution-building centered on “power with”—engagement, collaboration, and shared decision-making. Those ideas changed my life.
“Power over” approaches often fail when our work and life depend on relationships to achieve meaningful outcomes.
I discovered what had been missing. I immersed myself in scientific research and practical knowledge to better understand my own power. With that foundation, I became energized by the possibility of helping others develop theirs as well.
Shifting my understanding of power—from a political science framework of “power over” to a social psychology framework of “power with,” relationship-building, and negotiated shared outcomes—was life-changing.
After 10 years of graduate school, I found my voice and committed myself to building the relationships and outcomes I wanted to create.
What Is Missing in Our Approach to Negotiation?
Practicing “power with” is difficult, but it is essential for solving problems and sharing limited resources effectively. The Social Intelligence Lab community creates opportunities for real-time practice, feedback, and growth.
I founded the Social Intelligence Lab as a practice community to explore and strengthen our ability to build “power with” others so we can better achieve what we need together.
I invite anyone searching for a community on a similar journey to join us.
