On Track to Blending In
Rethinking Educational Standards and What It Really Means to Succeed
Am I Failing My Kid?
“Am I failing my kid?” Homeschool families ask this all the time, as if there is a set rule for exactly what our kids should know by a certain age.
Oh, wait—benchmarks have hard-wired this idea into our heads. Standardization has normalized the idea that kids are supposed to know certain things at certain ages and grade levels.
Benchmarks, data—school, by design, puts students into brackets, labels them, and turns them into data points to determine funding and logistics. This isn't to attack public education. I understand why it happens. When you're working with large groups of children and managing so many moving pieces, there must be order, systems, and data. You simply cannot—and should not—operate a public school like a homeschool. It would be madness.
But the issue is multifaceted.
With all this data, specific grade-level expectations, and strict bars to reach, kids quickly notice where they and their peers stand. Whether teachers try to hide the “low” and “high” group names or not, everyone knows who is in the low reading group and who isn't meeting the bar.
We end up using these arbitrary bars to evaluate ourselves and others. When we determine our worth or intelligence based on a set standard, we limit ourselves, overemphasize certain strengths, and pass those same judgments on to others. It's simply illogical to expect kids not to internalize their “rank” in terms of subject knowledge.
For example, if a child sees that they are in the low reading group, they may internalize the belief that they are a “bad reader.” They may start avoiding books—even interesting ones—because they don't want to be embarrassed for not reading at the level society says they “should” be at by that age.
Or take a child who excels in math. They're more inclined to take on every new challenge to show off their strength—until one comes along that is too much of a challenge. That challenges their very identity. Instead of leaning in, they lean away to maintain their title outwardly, while inwardly knowing they've just met their bar.
These are the realities of subscribing to the bar.
The Carryover Into Adulthood
This idea of “SHOULD” is fascinating because it carries directly over into adulthood.
“I SHOULD understand my taxes and my 401(k) by 30, so I'm not going to ask for help because it's embarrassing. I'll just avoid tax and money talk altogether.”
We consciously hold ourselves back from learning things that are in our best interest simply to avoid negative perceptions. We maintain this lingering belief that life is a continuation of the school's bar model—where everyone is supposed to reach set levels by certain ages and learn the exact same things.
So many people carry shame and embarrassment about the very traits that make them unique or gifted. The system teaches us that not fitting in or measuring up to an imaginary bar is a problem.
There's an unspoken rule to just get everyone to the bar—not past it. Pushing past it is seen as unnecessary because “they'll learn that next year,” so the system keeps them glued to their age group.
If you don't know what someone your age knows, you're “lacking.” If they don't know what you know, you're “ahead.”
This mindset helps nobody.
Specialists, Not Just “Behind”
This setup completely sidelines reality.
A child labeled as “challenged” or a “poor reader” by the system might eventually specialize and run circles around everyone else in practical areas like mechanics, athletics, or divergent thinking. Yet those kids don't always get to shine; they can be dismissed, defeated, or undervalued.
There are so many neurodivergent and autistic kids who may appear “behind” in traditional education but possess extensive knowledge and abilities that simply aren't tested or valued in the same way. That doesn't make them less intelligent—it makes them specialists.
If my best friend and I know exactly the same things by age 25, we are redundant together and at risk of becoming an echo chamber. The ideal situation is to engage with people of different backgrounds, knowledge, and experiences so we can learn and grow together—not measure each other based on what we “should” collectively know.
So what if someone never read Shakespeare but can rebuild a car engine? Practically, socially, and intellectually, that person brings a unique perspective and problem-solving ability to the table.
The Growth Mindset Contradiction
By keeping everyone “on the same page,” we keep people boxed in—unable to discover their true potential because they've been told what their limits are and that anything outside the norm is wrong or a distraction.
And then we wonder why so many young adults struggle with identity, purpose, and passion.
So much of that struggle ties directly back to what we teach them to value and what earns approval: blending in, conforming, and getting to the bar.
We, as educators, pay lip service to a “growth mindset,” but then we grade mistakes rather than celebrating them as part of the learning process. We hand out report cards that can function like final statements of who students are, rather than reflections of what they are working toward.
The bar isn't just bizarre—it can actively undermine the very growth mindset we claim to teach.
That's a lot of criticism, I know. Coming from a diverse educational background myself, I see many sides of the educational world. This isn't meant to attack standardized testing. It's meant to share a perspective that I think anyone who has or works with kids—or who has ever felt embarrassed by a lack of knowledge—can relate to and apply.
It's not a lack of knowledge that should be shameful, but choosing to remain ignorant.
It's not failing to meet expectations that is bad, but failing to reach at all.
It's not falling behind others that is the problem, but accepting mediocrity when we have the ability to grow.
If You're a Homeschool Family
Know that YOU get to construct the educational landscape for your kids.
Where your kid “should” be isn't an indicator of what they actually need, who they are, or what their talents are.
If You're Feeling Inadequate in Any Area Right Now
Know that you aren't BEHIND because there's something wrong with you.
You're perfectly positioned to do something about the things you don't know.
It's never been easier to learn, ask the embarrassing question, or be the person who chooses growth over saving face.
You don't have to know everything. You just have to be willing to keep learning.
If you enjoyed this perspective, I'd love to connect!
