Respectful Directness

Being direct comes easily to some, while for others, it’s a skill that needs to be developed. Directness allows us to speak truthfully and succinctly so there is no confusion about the message we are trying to get across. It can help avoid assumptions about what we meant when we said “X” because we were concise and clear.

But when can directness cross the line into disrespectfulness? And is it possible to be direct while also being respectful?

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, they write, “Respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about.” When someone feels they have been disrespected in a conversation, they become distracted by it and can stop listening. Your overall message is lost from that point on. I’ve seen good examples of people balancing directness with respectfulness. I’ve also seen some mask their disrespectfulness by claiming they are just direct, even though their actions show otherwise.

One of my mentors was a master at being direct while also being respectful. He could get his point across in a clear and concise manner rather than coming around the corner with it. Along the way, his actions showed genuine care for the person on the receiving end. He considered the other person’s communication style and delivered information in a way they would want to receive it. Even when delivering feedback that was tough to hear, his intentions were good: to be helpful and to serve as a mentor and coach. He was intentional with his word choices so as not to create the perception that he was being critical or disrespectful.

In a situation I had with a co-worker, they took a very different approach to opening a conversation with me. Right at the beginning, they said, “Let’s not do the niceties. I’m fine, and everything is good with me. Now what I need is X, Y, and Z.” While I can appreciate getting right to the point, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a more respectfully direct way to say the same thing. After all, the way we open a conversation sets the tone for the rest of it, and after that opening, a part of me shut down. Could we consider opening in this way while still getting to the point? “Thanks for joining. I hope you’re doing well. I know our time is valuable, so I’m going to jump right into it, if you’re good with that?”

Like most skills, it takes doing this wrong time after time for us to finally get it right. Every opportunity is an opportunity to practice! Even in those times when we get it right, there is still room to reflect on how it went and how it was received. The ways we communicate have evolved over time, but the goal of communication has remained the same: to have our message received on the other end. Keeping our message direct and respectful can increase our chances of that happening.