Tell Your Story. Or They Will.
Why Women Must Stop Shrinking Their Own Success Stories
There is a narrative being written about you, right now. At your job, in your community, in your field.
The only question is: who is holding the pen?
For too many women, the answer is: everyone else.
We are the "helpful assistant" in a story where a male colleague is the "visionary." We are the "team player" who "pitched in" on a project we actually led. We are the footnote in a success story we authored. We are, far too often, made the sidekick in our own narrative.
This isn't an accident. It's a design flaw.
We are socialized to be humble. We are taught that being "cocky" or "bragging" is one of the worst things a woman can be. We "don't want to make a fuss." We "don't want to make anyone uncomfortable."
We shrink, we qualify, we pivot to "we" when it was our idea, our late nights, our breakthrough. We build a masterpiece and then, out of a misplaced sense of modesty, we hide it in the attic.
But the data is clear: that "modesty trap" is a professional ceiling.
The Double-Bind and the "Bragging" Gap
The research proves this isn't just a feeling; it's a phenomenon. We are caught in a "competence vs. likability" double-bind.
When women adopt the same self-promoting, "agentic" behaviors that are praised in men, we are perceived as competent, but hostile and unlikable (Heilman, 2012). If we adhere to the "modesty norm" and act communally, we're seen as likable, but less competent. It’s a game we are set up to lose.
The result? A measurable "gender gap in self-promotion."
A 2022 study found that women are significantly less likely to self-promote than men, even when their performance is identical. Men are more likely to publicly claim credit for their work, while women are more likely to stay silent or share credit (Exley & Kessler, 2022).
Think about that. In a professional setting, the people who get promoted, funded, and recognized are the ones who talk about what they did. It's not always the person with the best ideas; it's the person who communicates those ideas (and their success) most effectively.
It's Not Bragging If It's Evidence
We need to reframe this entire conversation. Communicating your success isn't an act of ego; it's an act of advocacy.
You are not "bragging"; you are broadcasting. You are not "cocky"; you are competent. You are not "full of yourself"; you are "full of evidence."
You have to bring the receipts.
When you stay silent, you are not only doing a disservice to your own career; you are allowing a false narrative to take root. You are allowing someone else to tell their version of your story, if they bother to tell it at all.
This is where we must be direct, professional, and effective. We must learn to articulate our wins, our process, and our impact with the same passion we brought to the work itself.
This is not just about you getting a raise or a promotion. It is about the woman sitting next to you who needs to see an example. It's about the girl who comes up behind you and needs a role model. If they don't see us owning our accomplishments, they will inherit our silence.
We know our story. We know our "why." We know the work we put in when no one was watching.
It's time to tell it. Grab the pen.
References
Exley, K. L., & Kessler, J. B. (2022). The gender gap in self-promotion. The Quarterly Journal of Economics, 137(3), 1383–1430. https://doi.org/10.1093/qje/qjac010
Heilman, M. E. (2012). Gender stereotypes and workplace bias. Research in Organizational Behavior, 32, 113–135. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.riob.2012.11.003
