THE COURAGE TO BE WHO YOU ARE
Discovering Your Authentic Self Beyond the Masks We Wear
The Courage to Be Who You Are
Brenda Shoshanna
"The ways we think we are, rather than the ways we truly are, are the bars on our personal prison."
Zen saying
The Inauthentic Self
Many of us spend our lives presenting a false front to others. As we do so, it's easy to become out of touch with our deepest reality, our authentic self. It also becomes difficult to hear what others are truly saying or what they need from us. Our words become routine and empty; people listen and are not moved. It is only when we put aside our false self that true presence and love arise.
Throughout most of our lives, we play a variation of the game of "let's pretend." We say, "Let's pretend that you didn't say that and I didn't hear. Let's pretend that what happened really didn't matter. I'll help you keep your pretenses up, and you help me keep up mine." From the time we are young, we are taught to create a public personality to please others and hide much that is real. However, little by little, this false personality, or ego, takes over, and then we continually live in fear of being found out. We are terrified of being discovered to be someone other than who we seem.
Pretense Robs Our True Life From Us
But pretense robs our true life from us. If someone knocks on our door to visit, more often than not, there's no one home. It can be quite scary to live in a world where it's hard to find someone to really listen, respond, and care. And, of course, there is nothing more healing, no better antidote to fear and loneliness, than to find someone who is truly at home. They are here. In those moments, we become "at home" with ourselves as well.
Come Home
Rather than come home to the authentic self, most of the time the false personality drifts around, looking for happiness here and there. Unfortunately, no matter how far it searches, it seldom finds real peace or joy. No matter how much praise it receives, the false personality never feels really approved of or loved. By its very nature, it is skittish and fearful, craves more and more, and feels threatened and exposed regularly. The false personality cannot distinguish between what is useless and valuable. It makes wrong choices and refuses to face reality. No matter how many times it hears, "You're beautiful," deep down, the false personality feels ugly, dislikes itself, and dislikes everyone else. Living on this basis, it lives in pain.
Even though Amy's boyfriend told her he loved her over and over again, she didn't believe him. She needed to hear it again and again. "Why do you love me?" she kept asking. Of course, this became exhausting for her boyfriend, who, feeling drained, ultimately left. Why do we cling to our disturbing personalities? Because we have no idea how magnificent we truly are.
Where Does the False Self Come From?
How does a false self grow and gain power over us? We are born full of joy, curiosity, and the desire to grow into who we uniquely are. We each have our own particular songs to sing, lessons to learn, and challenges to face. We are able to live each moment fully, responding to our own true needs and vision and interacting with the world in our own particular way.
Before the demands of others take hold, before family and social conditioning take over, the child has an intrinsic sense of who they are, what they can give to others, and what they need to receive. However, as the child grows and interacts with others, the sense of being at home in a supportive universe fades. The world often begins to stand in opposition and can seem filled with danger. The child must struggle and fight for what is theirs, and has to suddenly cover up and hide. Before long, they begin to feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with them, that they are not lovable and don't belong.
As this happens, the child creates a self to please others, to earn the love and approval that was originally theirs. As they do so, they become exiled from their basic wholeness and wisdom. This split haunts many of us. Living cut off from our authentic self, there is no longer a true foundation to stand on. The whole world can become unreal and unsafe.
Living in Fear of Rejection
"In social moments we see how estranged we are from each other."
Paul Tillich
Not aware that we have rejected ourselves, we live with the constant fear of rejection by others. This fear is particularly vivid in relationships where there is tremendous pressure to look good, fit in, and fulfill endless demands. In order to do so, the false personality begins to take control. Unknowingly, we have accepted the guidance of fear.
Of course, sooner or later, this backfires. The resentment and despair of living as a false personality takes a toll. No one can tolerate it continually. Everyone needs the basic strength and resourcefulness that comes from living from and accepting the truth of who they are. Living from the false personality ultimately causes panic attacks, rebellious behavior, illness, and anger. No matter what hardships come into your life, no matter what turn events take, your authentic self has the natural ability to handle whatever comes along. There are tremendous inner resources available when you have the courage to be who you are.
"A certain Sufi was asked, 'Why does that dervish (teacher) over there make so many mistakes?'
He answered, 'If he made no mistakes, he would be either worshipped or ignored. He makes mistakes so that people shall ask why he does what he does.'
'But what is the advantage of that?'
'The advantage is that people may see that which is behind him and not the man himself as they imagine him to be.'"
Indries Shah
BIO: Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., is an award-winning author, playwright, speaker, psychologist, and long-term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses on how to live the teachings in our everyday lives. This article is based upon her book SACRED PSYCHOLOGY (An Invitation to Live). Brenda offers talks and workshops and has a YouTube channel, Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, where she offers talks. You can contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her YouTube channel is Dr. Brenda Shoshanna.
