The DARVO Effect - When the Abuser Play's the Victim - Do NOT Be Fooled
A Narcissist is the ultimate game player - Be aware of these tactics
DARVO — (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
is a manipulation tactic used by perpetrators, often in cases of abuse or when held accountable, to evade responsibility. The perpetrator denies wrongdoing, attacks the accuser for challenging them, and flips the narrative to portray themselves as the victim.
This tactic is frequently used by individuals with narcissistic traits to avoid accountability and maintain a facade of innocence, often making the victim feel, or appear, like the offender. It is frequently observed in intimate partner violence and sexual harassment cases.
Psychological abuse is an integral part of the strategies used by an abuser to exert power in an intimate relationship. These are strategies in which the abuser targets different components of a person’s identity and psychological health: self-confidence, self-esteem, self-image, perceptions, emotions, thoughts, dignity, clear thinking, and mental health.
This is how the abuser destabilizes the victim, as he or she weakens them to their very core while working toward gaining ultimate control. It all starts with “love bombing” at the beginning of the relationship, showering their partner with intense attention. Then it slowly turns to “gaslighting and lies.” They do it in such a gradual way that many do not even realize it until they are far too deep.
The emotional manipulation will leave one feeling unsure of their own thoughts and actions as they question themselves and start to make excuses for their partner’s bad behavior. This is when the breakdown really begins, because now their thoughts are becoming cloudy and self-blame starts to set in.
Example: “Oh, if I didn’t say that, they wouldn’t be mad at me. I should have remained quiet or done things differently.” “It is all my fault that this is happening. I need to do better and be better.” “I need to be more attentive and giving.”
The victim is now thinking that they are the bad person in this relationship and that they need to completely change to keep their partner happy. The abuser is now playing the victim over and over again as they gain ultimate control, relishing in the power — the “I am the almighty” effect. For the perpetrator, it is like a drug: the adrenaline rush as they plot and plan every single move, wanting more and trying to take everything they can.
The mind of a narcissist never rests. They are thinking 24/7 and calculating every move to maintain control. They will stop at nothing to continue the facade. Now, with all of the technology that we have at our fingertips, abusers will even branch out to social media to gain more sympathy for their fictitious storylines.
Another tactic that they will use is negging.
Negging means disguising an insult or criticism in a statement that appears on the surface to be a compliment. This tactic is used to make the victim start to doubt themselves. Negging will often lead to a negative reaction from the victim toward the abuser, who will then have an opportunity to invalidate them and question their interpretation of the facts. (“I’m being super nice, always complimenting you, and you freak out — you’re the mean one in this relationship.”)
Again — playing the victim.
Then the abuser will add in other tactics such as giving the “cold shoulder” and imposing “social restrictions.” They want to isolate their victim, putting a wedge between them and their social circles — family, friends, and co-workers. This is when the victim goes into silence mode. They start to make all kinds of excuses for their abuser, even defending them to the maximum. The victim starts to become distant and angry with the very people who are trying to help them. The narcissist is a sly fox sitting back, watching the show as the victim unravels.
This is when they go in for the ultimate tactic, which is sleep deprivation.
An abuser may deliberately deprive the victim of sleep with the aim of making them even more vulnerable. The abuser may startle them awake just as they are about to fall asleep, picking a fight and causing dysfunction. The victim loses stamina and finds themselves greatly weakened both physically and mentally.
Once the victim is running on low battery, that is when the abuser completely takes control of all aspects of their partner’s life, turning it into a three-ring circus with repeated cycles and tactics to keep them dazed and confused. This can go on for years unless they find a way out.
Many victims stay in the relationship because they have been so beaten down that they do not have the energy to fight back. The road toward freedom is long, treacherous, and emotionally draining. Once the victim finds the courage to leave, it is not the end; it is the beginning.
When the abuser loses control, it will set them in motion to heighten their tactics to reel someone back in. They will go to great lengths, which may include harassment, destruction of property, and physical violence. They may also heckle the victim by calling them disgusting and degrading names and create fake stories to try to gain “important sympathy” from other people. It could take years to finally break completely free from this type of abuse.
When stepping into a new relationship, you must be willing to keep an open mind. If you are seeing the signs, question them early on before you are too deeply involved. Also remember that not all abusers are men; women can be abusers as well.
In domestic violence statistics, you will see that the numbers for male abusers are higher than for women, but that is not completely accurate because not all men disclose abuse by a woman they are in a relationship with. This could be out of embarrassment, because this touches on the subject of “ego.”
If you are seeing signs of abuse in a relationship involving someone you know, please do not look away or ignore it. Gently ask questions and be there for the person who is struggling. It may feel awkward or difficult at times, especially when the victim is protecting the abuser, but do not give up on them. They may need your help down the road.
The narcissist will never admit to anything they have done and will remain in “victim mode” no matter what transpires. The forever victim they will be as they seek out their next conquest.
It is a deceitful game that they play, so always be aware.
Lisa Zarcone
Author — visit www.lisazarcone.net
Domestic Abuse Hotline — 1-800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 99788
Suicide Prevention Hotline — 988 — or text 988
Remember — you are not alone. There is always a way out.
