The Leadership Lessons Hidden in Adversity
How Adversity Shaped My Path to Becoming a Leader Who Creates Psychological Safety
Have you ever experienced success and then wondered how you ended up in a particular opportunity—or became the person you are today? I’ve thought about that often, especially in relation to how people who have experienced being unheard can grow into leaders who create psychological safety within teams.
I’ve found significant success working with people. As a software consultant, it often seemed like I was simply “lucky” to work with the most responsive and collaborative clients. But after a few years, I began to notice a pattern. It wasn’t luck. I was creating a shared vision and establishing trust, rather than simply requesting reports.
As a new manager of a small team, I focused on building a culture where people felt safe to share ideas and concerns. I prioritized collaboration and a shared vision. I also built relationships across the organization to ensure that the initiatives and projects my team worked on were aligned not with my personal needs, but with the needs of the organization.
I’ve received many comments about my ability to build relationships and adapt my communication style to different individuals.
During a multi-month leadership training, I completed personality assessments and received a blind survey of others’ impressions of working with me. The leadership coach asked us to focus on one or two areas for improvement while primarily identifying our strengths.
I learned that my strongest conflict style was collaboration. At first, I wondered how collaboration could even be part of conflict. How is that possible?
You can find part of the answer in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni. One of my favorite leadership concepts from this book is: “Real conflict is productive, and many teams avoid it simply because they mistake it for interpersonal conflict.”
This strength has been a crucial factor in my career success. It led me to ask: how did I become this kind of person?
I think I can answer that now.
During my adolescence and early adult years, I often experienced my voice as undervalued. My opinions were not always respected within my family, and unfair expectations were placed on me that often required me to abandon my own thoughts and endure mistreatment. The value I deeply wanted as an individual often went unrecognized—and at times, it felt intentionally dismissed. I often believed this was tied to being a girl, and later a woman. I felt unseen.
As a mother of two, I was immediately thrust into the world of special needs parenting. There is little time to recover after receiving a diagnosis before you are required to step into a bold advocacy role for your children. My life became filled with professionals telling me what to do, endless judgment from strangers, and a lack of support in navigating what was required of me. I often felt my flaws were visible to everyone.
So why am I the woman I am today? Why am I able to build relationships and collaborate across such a diverse range of personalities?
I’ve learned to translate adversity into leadership capability because I understand what it feels like to be unseen, unheard, disbelieved, unfairly judged, and undervalued. At the same time, I’ve also learned how to be bold—how to speak what needs to be said, how to set aside the weight of others’ opinions, and how to solve problems without a roadmap. Adversity has trained me to be the kind of leader organizations need.
My advice is simple: never undervalue those around you, regardless of position. Build bridges. Network. Seek solutions that serve both yourself and others. Be a leader who is kind—not simply nice. Set clear expectations and hold others accountable because you recognize their ability and value.
Learn to see from someone else’s perspective, and then go to work building your vision.
