The Over giving Trap: Why Women Leaders Must Stop Earning Their Worth
Why Overgiving Diminishes Your Authority and What Sustainable Leadership Really Requires
There were times I learned that the more I gave, the more valuable I was. Giving more time, access, energy, and solutions felt like the natural expression of leadership and care. And like many high-achieving women, I was praised for it.
Overgiving often appears admirable on the surface. It can look like dedication, generosity, reliability, and strength. Yet beneath it, there is often a quieter dynamic at work: the belief that our value must be continually proven.
Many women were conditioned to earn their seat at the table. We were taught to be agreeable, capable, adaptable, and accommodating. We were rewarded for being selfless and dependable. Somewhere along the way, exhaustion became synonymous with commitment, and depletion became a sign of importance.
In leadership and entrepreneurship, this conditioning can intensify. If revenue slows, we compensate by working harder. If a team member struggles, we step in rather than step back. If a client is dissatisfied, we overdeliver. We call it responsibility. We call it excellence. But often, we are reinforcing a pattern that quietly drains our authority and clarity.
There is a profound difference between service and self-abandonment. True service comes from strength and conscious choice. It is sustainable because it flows from a place of internal stability. Self-abandonment, on the other hand, is driven by urgency. It carries the unspoken belief that if we do not hold everything together, it will collapse. It overrides intuition and dismisses our own needs in the name of being helpful.
Over time, overgiving leads to blurred boundaries, fatigue, resentment, and diminished presence. Ironically, the more we overextend, the less grounded we appear. People trust leaders who are steady and clear, not those who are constantly stretched thin.
I have come to understand that many patterns of overgiving are rooted in a sense of worthiness. When a woman subconsciously believes she must continually prove her value, she will overwork, undercharge, and overcommit. She may hesitate to be fully visible or to claim authority—not because she lacks skill, but because she is still trying to earn what is already hers.
In my own leadership journey, I recognized that giving must come from a full cup. When you are resourced, rested, and clear, your contribution carries more weight. Your decisions are sharper. Your boundaries are cleaner. Your presence becomes more powerful precisely because it is not depleted.
I have also acknowledged that there are seasons when you are called to step in and carry more because of circumstances. The key is discernment. Knowing when increased effort is aligned and when it is driven by fear or conditioning is a skill. This is something I work with clients on regularly, as the tendency to overgive is common among high-achieving women.
A full cup is not indulgent. It is responsible. Boundaries are not barriers; they are expressions of clarity and self-respect. Saying no when appropriate does not diminish compassion—it strengthens integrity.
It is also important to acknowledge that we cannot rescue everyone from their lessons. Growth often requires discomfort. When we constantly intervene to soften every impact, we may unintentionally delay someone else's development. Supporting others does not mean carrying what is not ours to carry.
When we consistently absorb others’ consequences, we may unintentionally enable underdevelopment. Overfunctioning can create dependency. What feels like support in the short term can quietly delay growth in the long term. Strong leadership does not eliminate every obstacle. It develops capacity by allowing others to build resilience, discernment, and capability. Discomfort is often the doorway to expansion.
Strength is not measured by how much you can hold. It is measured by how clearly you discern what belongs to you and what does not.
There are seasons in leadership when we are called to stabilize systems and carry more weight. That may be necessary for a time. But maturity requires recognizing when the role shifts from doing the heavy lifting to developing others to carry their share. Sustainable influence is not built on one person’s endurance. It is built on shared responsibility and empowered contribution.
As women leaders, we have an opportunity to redefine what sustainable success looks like. We can model leadership that is both compassionate and boundaried, generous and sovereign. We can build businesses and careers that are not fueled by exhaustion but by alignment.
Overgiving may have opened doors for us at one stage of our lives. However, lasting influence requires something deeper: self-trust, discernment, and the willingness to stop earning our worth.
When you lead from wholeness rather than depletion, everything shifts. Your business becomes more coherent. Your relationships become healthier. Your impact becomes more enduring—not because you gave more, but because you finally stopped giving yourself away.
