The Training Phase

Somewhere along the way, we were sold a fairy-tale version of love.

We were taught that when someone really loves you, they just know.

• He'll remember every anniversary.
• He'll notice you changed your hair.
• He'll immediately see the new nails.
• He'll know when something is wrong without you saying it.
• He'll know exactly what you need when you're upset.
• He'll remember the thing you mentioned three months ago.

And when he doesn't?

"He doesn't care."

But what if THAT is a misperception?

Because meanwhile, he may be walking around feeling exactly the same way.

• He brings you water every night without you asking.
• He makes sure your car has gas.
• He checks the doors before bed.
• He plugs your phone in because you fell asleep.
• He tucks you in.
• He handles something you don't even realize needed handling.

Those things become so normal that eventually you stop seeing them.

But let him forget to take out the trash...

Now we're talking.

And while you're thinking, "He doesn't see me," he may be thinking, "Nothing I do is ever good enough, so why try?"

Now you have two people living in the same house, loving one another, while both feel unseen, unheard, unappreciated, and devalued.

Sometimes one partner speaks up while the other holds their feelings inside. Not necessarily because there isn't love. Sometimes it's because there hasn't been enough training.

THE TRAINING PHASE

This is a framework I'm developing through my background in behavior and my work with couples because I believe there is a missing part of relationships that we don't talk about enough.

I call it The Training Phase.

And before somebody gets offended by the word training, hear me out.

I'm talking about mutual learning. Communicating needs, practicing, listening, and giving respectful feedback. Both people have a voice. Both people have something to learn.

Think about your career.

• You start a new job, and they tell you what is expected.
• They train you.
• They show you how they do things.
• You practice.
• You get feedback.
• You make mistakes.
• Someone corrects you.
• You try again.

When you're doing well, there's reinforcement. Maybe that's verbal praise, a good evaluation, a paycheck, a promotion, or a raise.

And training doesn't necessarily end because you've been employed for six months.

• Policies change.
• Expectations change.
• Your responsibilities change.
• You change.

And at some level, you continue to be trained. You watch other employees, complete continuing education, or attend an annual training where you sit every year and say, "I didn't know that!" or "When did that change?!"

At practically every level of our careers, we understand that people need instruction, expectations, feedback, and continued development.

Yet we get into relationships and suddenly decide:

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU."

Why not?

Imagine starting a job where nobody trained you, but everyone expected mastery.

Imagine your supervisor thinking:

"If she were really a good employee, she'd just know."

Imagine being trained during your first few weeks and then receiving no feedback for the next 10 years, while expectations continued changing.

And then one day, you're told you've been doing everything wrong.

We would call that terrible management.

But sometimes that's exactly how we manage our relationships.

"BUT WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR YEARS!"

And?

The woman he married five years ago may not be the woman standing in front of him today. The man you married may have changed, too.

• Life happened.
• Careers happened.
• Children happened.
• Grief happened.
• Bodies changed.
• Priorities shifted.
• Hormones changed.
• Finances changed.
• Responsibilities changed.

You learned things about yourself that you didn't know when you first met.

So why would the training stop?

The Training Phase isn't really a phase you graduate from. Healthy couples keep training each other because they keep learning each other.

You say:

• "This makes me feel loved."
• "When you do this, I feel forgotten."
• "I know this may seem small to you, but it's important to me."
• "When I'm overwhelmed, I don't need you to fix it. I need you to listen."
• "I've noticed you do this for me every day, and I want you to know that I see it."

And your partner gets to do the same.

Because this isn't "train your man." It isn't "train your wife." It's:

Train each other.

Teach me how to love you, and allow me to teach you how to love me.

• Then we practice.
• We communicate.
• We give feedback.
• We adjust.
• We acknowledge improvement.

And when we miss the mark, we don't automatically interpret the mistake as evidence that love isn't there.

Let me be clear: communicating your preferences is different from repeatedly asking for basic respect, safety, or follow-through on responsibilities you have already agreed on. Both people have to be willing to participate and take accountability.

AND PLEASE STOP COMPARING YOUR TRAINING ROOM TO SOMEBODY ELSE'S HIGHLIGHT REEL.

The grass isn't always greener.

Stop assuming some man somewhere is naturally catering to a woman and effortlessly keeping her in her "soft girl era."

• You don't know what that woman had to communicate.
• You don't know what boundaries they established.
• You don't know what conversations happened behind closed doors.
• You don't know what she had to learn about him.
• You don't know what he had to learn about her.
• And sometimes you don't even know what YOU want yet.

That's okay.

But how can someone consistently meet needs you haven't identified or communicated yourself?

And men, stop assuming somebody else's wife is effortlessly cooking five-course meals, keeping the house perfect, raising the children, working, managing everybody's schedules, carrying the mental load, and still having unlimited energy for intimacy.

You don't know what's happening in that house either.

Comparison lets you see somebody else's results without seeing their training.

MAYBE THE SECRET ISN'T FINDING SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS GETS IT RIGHT.

Maybe it's finding someone who is willing to keep learning.

• Someone willing to listen.
• Someone willing to speak.
• Someone willing to receive feedback without treating every correction like criticism.
• Someone willing to give feedback without tearing their partner down.
• Someone willing to say, "I need something different," instead of silently collecting resentment.
• And someone willing to hear that and say, "Okay. Teach me."

Because real communication requires BOTH.

You have to be willing to LISTEN. But you also have to be willing to SPEAK.

You cannot spend years withholding the instructions and then resent your partner for failing the test.

• Create a safe enough relationship that needs can be spoken.
• Create enough emotional safety that feedback can be heard.
• Praise what is working.
• Talk about what isn't.
• Correct without humiliating.
• Listen without immediately defending.
• Adjust.
• Practice.
• Repeat.

THAT is The Training Phase.

Not two perfect people who always get it. Two imperfect people who never stop trying to get better at loving each other.

Maybe the goal isn't:

"You should know me by now."

Maybe it's:

"Keep learning me, because I'm still learning me, too."

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