EXPLORING THE COMPLEXITIES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & THE WEB OF CO-DEPENDENCY
Unmasking the Journey: How I Learned to See Myself Through Others' Eyes
From Victim to Survivor: Discovering Who I Am
We all wear masks—hiding from our parents, our siblings, our friends, our church family, and even our spouses.
We can become so accustomed to hiding that we eventually become confused, asking ourselves:
“Who am I?”
How do I see myself?
How do others see me?
What is going on?
I facilitate the Beauty Out of Ashes Support Group to help survivors begin to see themselves as others see them. During one of our sessions, I pass out blank masks with the words:
VICTIM: WHO AM I?
I ask each participant to write down how they see themselves and to be completely honest.
They then write their name on the back of the mask and pass it to someone else in the class. The other person receives the mask with the words:
SURVIVOR: WHO AM I?
They are asked to answer the question:
“How do others see me?”
It is amazing to discover the difference between how we see ourselves and how others see us.
When I first began teaching this class, I was so broken. On my VICTIM mask, I wrote:
Shame. Blame. Enabler. Condemned. Damaged. Pain. Panic. Loss. Helpless. Walking Wounded. Rescuer. Cocoon. Chains. Guilt. No Identity.
And more.
Then I received my SURVIVOR mask.
The women in my class wrote the way they saw me:
Butterfly with Wings. Gentle. Release. Peace. Happy. Never Gives Up. Patient. Hope. Speaker. Compassion. Joy. Author. Purpose. Soul Healed. Caring. Strong. Risk Taker. Warrior. Pardoned. Godsend.
And more.
The contrast was overwhelming.
I saw a broken woman. They saw a survivor.
I have learned that domestic violence is abusive behavior used by one person to gain power and control over another. It can be physical, emotional, sexual, economic, spiritual, verbal, visual, or psychological.
Abusive behavior can intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound another human being.
My mission began many years ago as a training ground for helping those with broken wings. It started with an attempt to “rescue” a male heroin addict whom we encountered through prisons and crack houses. Eventually, I helped bring him to drug rehabilitation facilities and even into our middle-class suburban home.
This destructive behavior drew me into a very dark world that I knew nothing about. It also set the stage for deep shame and confusion.
Both of us were deeply wounded and dysfunctional human beings who had lost sight of who we were. Without realizing it, we had created a stage for a play that neither of us wanted to be acting in.
I don't like to remember everything I did while trying to help this man because some of it is too painful and dark to talk about. Yet sharing these experiences may be necessary for those who find themselves in similar situations to learn from the mistakes and choices I made.
He was a survivor of sexual assault, as I was, and he became my “drug of choice.”
I was a lost survivor carrying deep, unmet soul wounds while living in a fractured marriage.
My husband's father's tragic death by suicide had left my husband struggling with silence, PTSD, denial, and an attraction to women and pornography.
At the time, I did not understand how deeply wounded both of us were. I only knew that something was broken.
Looking back, I realize that I was searching for healing in places that could never heal me.
I was trying to rescue someone else while desperately needing to be rescued myself.
And that realization became the beginning of a very different journey:
from victim to survivor, from shame to understanding, and from brokenness toward healing.
