Lost in the F.O.G.

I live in one of the densest, murkiest, thick-as-pea-soup foggiest states in the U.S.—the Pacific Northwest. Specifically, the Seattle/Tacoma area. Locals near Cape Disappointment in southwest Washington know all too well that visitors to the state park may be very disappointed when the fog rolls in, leaving little to see beyond their own hands. Washington averages over 100 foggy days each year. My off-color joke about Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James wasn’t about sexual escapades or kink, but rather the fifty—or more—shades of gray days we get here. Perhaps the author was slyly nodding to the PNW fog for those who might not know.

Years ago, I learned from Dr. Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, in their book Emotional Blackmail, that the acronym F.O.G. stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It describes the mental “fog” one feels when manipulated or psychologically disadvantaged. Many people with personality disorders or narcissistic tendencies use this technique to control and dominate relationships. Today, we might call it gaslighting or emotional manipulation. In Fifty Shades of Grey, perhaps the author was playing on words: Christian Grey dominates Anastasia Steele, taking her out of her comfort zone and into a state of psychological fog.

Many of my clients—particularly high-achieving professionals—have described feeling perpetually trapped in the F.O.G. They experience fear, feel obligated to meet others’ demands, or carry guilt when pushing back on unfair treatment. This sense of being stuck can prevent them from leveling up in careers or personal relationships. They endure betrayal to “keep the peace,” often believing there is no way out.

For years, I, too, lived in the F.O.G.—literally and figuratively. Beyond Washington’s weather, I often dreamed of driving at night in dense fog, straining to see light or a clearing ahead. In the dream, I was in the backseat, powerless to steer. Waking in a cold sweat, I realized how much my subconscious mirrored my life: a lack of control, feeling trapped, and navigating uncertainty without clarity.

Recognizing my own F.O.G. allowed me to reclaim the driver’s seat in my life. I learned to speak clearly and authentically, to trust myself, and to navigate challenges with confidence. Today, my passion is helping others do the same—learning to speak with clarity, knowing they are enough without qualifiers, and walking through life without letting the fog drive them into darkness and uncertainty.