STANDING IN THE GAP

When the Family Anchor Is Gone: Navigating Caregiving, Grief, and the Sandwich Generation

A Note From the Author

My mother was the glue—the anchor, the one who held our entire family together without ever asking for recognition or rest.

When she passed after a battle with cancer, everything shifted. Nine months later, I lost my brother to suicide. He had leaned on my mother more than any of us knew, and without her, he did not know how to find solid ground.

Then I turned around and took care of my father—a man who was not always the husband or father he should have been. I did it anyway. Not because it was easy, but because I made a decision to choose family over career, and I would make that same choice again.

“I can always get another job. But we only get one opportunity to show care and concern for the people who cared for us first.”

This white paper was born from that season. It is for everyone standing in the gap right now—holding their family together while quietly wondering who is holding them.

— Vicki Travis, Founder, Govantage360

Who We Are: Defining the Sandwich Generation

Twice a child. Once an adult.

Our parents enter this world completely dependent. They grow into the adults who carry us and shape who we become. And then life circles back—the roles shift, and we find ourselves doing for them what they once did for us.

The “sandwich generation” describes adults—most often women in their 40s and 50s—simultaneously caring for aging parents and supporting their own children. What research rarely captures is how compounding this season becomes: a parent’s illness, a sibling’s grief, a family system unraveling without its center—all at once, often in silence.

53M+

Americans providing unpaid care to an adult family member

1 in 5

Working adults caregiving for a parent and supporting a child

$7,242

Average out-of-pocket caregiving cost per year

Sources: Pew Research Center; National Alliance for Caregiving; AARP Public Policy Institute

The Real Weight: What No One Talks About

The real weight of caregiving is not just logistics. It is watching the strongest person you know become vulnerable. It is losing a sibling who could not survive that grief. It is caring for a parent with a complicated history and choosing grace anyway—all while holding your professional life together with both hands.

Emotional Toll

Anticipatory grief—mourning the parent you once knew while they are still here
The compounded trauma of caregiving while surviving a family suicide loss
Role reversal disorientation—feeling like a child in your heart while doing a parent’s work
The quiet weight of caring for someone with whom the relationship was difficult
Identity loss and compassion fatigue from sustained giving without replenishment

Financial & Professional Toll

Career decisions made in favor of family—opportunities deferred or declined
Out-of-pocket costs for medications, appointments, transportation, and home care
Reduced retirement savings during the years it matters most
Difficulty being fully present at work while managing invisible emotional labor

“The invisible labor of caregiving never shows up on a performance review. But it shapes every part of your professional life.”

When the Glue Is Gone: The Ripple Effect

In many families, one person holds everything together. When that person gets sick or passes, the ripple moves through the entire family in ways that are profound—and sometimes devastating. Vulnerabilities that were always present but managed by the anchor can surface quickly and without warning.

Siblings may struggle, withdraw, or fall apart when the family anchor is gone
The primary caregiver absorbs not just one person’s needs, but the weight of the entire family system
Suicide loss within an already grieving family creates layered, complicated grief that requires specialized support
The caregiver who is also a suicide loss survivor is navigating pain that most caregiving resources do not address

If this is your story, your grief is not simple, and it does not have a simple timeline. You are allowed to be in multiple griefs at once. And you are allowed to ask for help with all of them.

“Some of us are not just sandwiched between generations. We are holding together what is left of a family that has already lost too much.”

Who Bears the Burden Most?

Women—and especially women of color—carry a disproportionate share of this weight. Often, it is the daughter who steps in. The one raised to be reliable, who learned caregiving by watching her mother do it with grace.

Women make up approximately 60% of all family caregivers in the United States
Women are more likely to reduce work hours, decline promotions, or leave the workforce due to caregiving
Black and Latina caregivers are more likely to be the sole caregiver with limited support networks
Those who have experienced suicide loss while caregiving face elevated risks of burnout and complicated grief

Worth naming: caring for a parent who was not always who they should have been is one of the highest expressions of grace a person can offer. It does not erase the past. It simply says, I am going to show up anyway, because that is who I choose to be. That is not weakness. That is courage.

Protecting Yourself: What You Can Actually Do

Get Legal & Financial Documents in Order

Power of attorney, healthcare proxy, and updated wills for your parents
Know where accounts, insurance policies, and key documents are located
Have honest financial conversations before a crisis forces them

Set Real Boundaries

Define what you can and cannot do—and say it out loud
Involve other family members in sharing responsibility, even in small ways
Give yourself permission to say: “I love you, and I cannot do this alone.”

Protect Your Financial Future

Do not sacrifice retirement savings if other options exist
Explore Medicaid, Area Agency on Aging, and PACE programs
Track caregiving expenses—some are tax-deductible

Seek Support for Complicated Grief

Find a counselor specifically trained in suicide loss—it is a distinct kind of grief
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: afsp.org
Crisis & Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call or text 988
SAMHSA National Helpline (free, 24/7): 1-800-662-4357

Take Your Place in the Equation

Schedule your own medical appointments—not just for those in your care
Protect your sleep and do at least one restorative thing each week
Remind yourself: your life has value independent of your usefulness to others

“Pouring into yourself is not a luxury. It is what makes everything else sustainable.”

A Note for Employers

Your most experienced, loyal employees may be quietly carrying a parent’s illness, a sibling’s death, and the weight of a family in crisis—all while showing up to work every day. Organizations that respond to this reality with genuine flexibility and compassion will retain talent others lose.

Offer flexible scheduling as a real benefit, not just a written policy
Train managers to recognize caregiver burnout with compassion, not performance management
Include grief and caregiver resources explicitly in EAP communications
Ensure every employee knows their FMLA rights

Closing: The Thread That Held

I lost my mother. Nine months later, I lost my brother. Then I stood up and cared for my father—through grief, through complexity, through all of it.

I stepped back from my career to do it. I do not regret a single day. Because I can always get another job. But I only had one window to show up for the people who showed up for me—and that window does not stay open forever.

If you are in this season, what you are carrying is real. The love behind it is real. The grief is real. And so is the grace carrying you through—even on the days you cannot feel it.

You are the thread that held. And that matters more than you know.

Resources

AARP Caregiver Resource Center: aarp.org/caregiving
National Alliance for Caregiving: caregiving.org
Eldercare Locator (find local support): eldercare.acl.gov
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: afsp.org
SAMHSA National Helpline (free, confidential, 24/7): 1-800-662-4357
Crisis & Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call or text 988

About Govantage360

Govantage360 is an HR and finance operations consulting firm based in Columbus, Ohio, serving charter schools, nonprofits, and mission-driven organizations. Founded by Vicki Travis, Govantage360 delivers practical guidance and hands-on operational support to the organizations doing the most important work in our communities.

info@govantage360.com | (614) 679-7167

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