The Child We Never Stop Becoming

From Survival Mode to a Life Fully Lived: Understanding How Childhood Shapes Our Adult Relationships and Healing

Cinnamon Burdett

ABS Board-Certified Sexologist

Next Level Intimacy Coaching

The Difference Between Surviving and Living

"Can I tell y'all something I've learned?

People think they walk into my office because they had a fight with their husband Tuesday night... Or because they haven't had sex in months... Or because they don't know how to communicate anymore.

Sometimes that's true.

But if we sit together long enough... Tuesday wasn't the problem. Tuesday was just the day the pain got loud enough to ask for help.

Because somewhere in that conversation... We almost always meet the child they used to be.

I know that because... I was that child.

I wasn't reading about trauma in a textbook. I was living it.

I was the little girl in foster care. I was the little girl wondering if anyone was coming back. I was the little girl trying to survive things no child should ever have to survive.

For years, I thought surviving was enough. Matter of fact... I wore survival like a badge of honor.

'Look how strong I am.' 'Look how much I've overcome.'

Until one day... I realized I wasn't really living. I had just become really, really good at surviving.

And y'all, let me tell ya... Those two things are not the same.

Here's the part nobody warns you about

Childhood doesn't always stay in childhood.

That little girl who never felt safe... She grows up. That little boy who learned crying wasn't allowed... He grows up too. That teenager who learned love always came with strings attached... They grow up.

We all grow up.

The question is... Does the hurt grow up with us?

I've sat across from adults whose parents loved them with everything they had. They weren't bad parents. They were hurting parents. Exhausted parents. Parents trying to do better than what had been done to them.

And sometimes-just sometimes-the best someone had to give still left a wound.

That's not about blame. That's about understanding.

See, we're really good at asking:

'What's wrong with you?'

Wrong question.

The better question is:

'What happened to you?'

Because behavior always has a story. Every single time.

Intimacy doesn't begin in the bedroom

People know me as a relationship and intimacy coach. But here's what I've learned...

Intimacy doesn't begin in the bedroom. It begins the first time a child learns whether they are safe. Whether their voice matters. Whether someone comes when they cry. Whether love feels steady or whether they're always waiting for it to disappear.

Because if you grew up believing people leave, trust doesn't magically appear just because you found a good partner. If you grew up believing your needs didn't matter, you don't suddenly know how to ask for them.

I tell my clients all the time:

'You're forty-five years old, but your nervous system still thinks it's twelve.'

Everybody laughs. And then... Most of them cry.

Because for the first time... They stop asking:

'What's wrong with me?'

And they start asking:

'What happened to me?'

That question changes everything.

Now here's the beautiful part

I don't believe people are broken. I never have.

I believe people did exactly what they had to do to survive. Those survival strategies were brilliant. They kept us alive.

But what protected us as children... May be keeping us from truly living as adults.

Healing isn't pretending your past never happened. Healing is teaching your mind... Your body... Your nervous system... That today is different. That you're safe now. That you don't have to keep fighting battles that ended years ago.

I believe healing is possible. At any age. At any stage of adult life. I've seen it. I've lived it. And I get to witness it every single day.

So maybe today... You're raising a child. Maybe you're loving a spouse. Maybe you're trying to understand your parents. Or maybe... You're just trying to understand yourself.

Whoever you are... I want you to remember this:

The version of you that learned how to survive deserves just as much compassion as the version of you that's learning how to heal.

Because healing isn't about erasing your story. It's about refusing to let your hardest chapter become the whole book.

And maybe... Just maybe... The greatest gift we can give another human being... Is helping them believe they don't have to spend the rest of their life surviving.

They get to live.

And that... Changes everything."